


Silenced Voices

by mon_dieu



Category: VIXX
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Crossposted on AFF, Depression, Happy Ending, M/M, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-09
Updated: 2016-04-01
Packaged: 2018-05-12 21:16:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 24,632
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5681056
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mon_dieu/pseuds/mon_dieu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bright lights, bright smile. Dimmed lights, tearstained visage.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Devoid of the Mask

**Author's Note:**

> Pairing: Neo (N/Leo)  
> Word Count: 24'642 words  
> Rating: PG-13 for most chapters. Some chapters are rated R for dark themes (i.e suicide, death, self-harm).  
> Warning: If you are very sensitive when it comes to the topic of suicide, I would suggest you do not read this. There will be an overlapping theme of suicide and depression, just so you are warned.

Word count: 859

Rating: PG-13

Warnings: Mention of suicide

* * *

 

Hakyeon stumbled into his and Taekwoon's shared room. He sat down on his bed, leaning his head against the wall. He listened to the muffled sounds of his band members arguing who should shower first. With a sigh he closed his eyes. He sat like that for a couple of minutes until he heard faint footsteps enter the room.  The bed made a soft creaking noise as another person sat down on it.

 

" _Are you okay?_ " Taekwoon's soft voice filled the heavy silence.  Hakyeon opened his eyes. The younger man had a frown spread across his face. Hakyeon replied in his tired voice. " _I'm doing just fine, thank you Woonie._ " The frown deepened. Taekwoon took his hand. Usually the man known as Leo didn't make much of a fuss at anything. He was quiet, but he noticed things. Even if he withstood from commenting, things like Hakyeon's recent behaviour, didn't pass him by. 

 

The usually stoic man said something that really caught the elder's attention. " _Stop lying to me. I see you, Hakyeon-hyung. You are tired constantly. You put on a smile for the camera like you put on makeup. You might fool the others, but you can't fool me._ " Hakyeon froze. All he could do was stare at his friend. Taekwoon opened his arms. Taekwoon almost never initiated contact, but he sensed that Hakyeon truly needed it at this point. " _I'm sorry. I don't mean to be like this."_  the elder mumbled, falling into the younger's arms. He continued to chant the word "sorry" as he hugged the other. Taekwoon didn't say anything. He didn't have to. 

 

***

 

That evening sat in the living room of their dorm watching a movie. Hakyeon was snuggled up to Taekwoon, the younger's arms around his waist. The younger members certainly noticed their leader being exceptionally clingy towards the main vocalist, but chose not to comment. The film they were watching was a somewhat entertaining movie, but it had a noticeably darker theme to it. It felt like something bad could happen at any point. Suddenly the scene changed to one of the main characters taking her own life. More specifically, the boyfriend of the character finding her dead in the bathroom. 

 

As the scene went on, Hakyeon wanted to close his eyes, but he couldn't. Neither could Taekwoon. In fact, the elder noticed Taekwoon's entire body stiffened against his back and his arms tightened around his waist. After that Hakyeon lost the ability to focus on the movie. He just sat there, taking in Taekwoon's scent and noticed how strong his arms felt. He felt protected.

 

Taekwoon worries a lot when it comes  to the leader. Taekwoon has seen the same look in the leader's eyes, as you could see in the main character's. That tired look of wanting to give up. He has seen it too many times. That scene in the movie had hit him hard. He never wanted to come home to find out that Hakyeon was not alive anymore. He didn't know how he could go on if that was ever to happen. 

 

He did not think the leader noticed how much he worries for him.  He was always there, always so afraid to lose someone who didn't belong to him. Maybe it was love, he didn't know. He just knew that it hurt him to see the elder hurt, and that he wanted to fix that pain so badly. He hugged Hakyeon tightly. As long as Hakyeon was in his arms, nothing bad could happen to him.

 

***

 

The movie ended and the members retired to their respective rooms.  Taekwoon changed into his sleeping clothes and sat down at the end of his bed. Hakyeon did the same, and stood in front of Taekwoon.  It looked like he was trying to speak, but couldn't get the words out. Taekwoon looked up at him expectantly. Hakyeon fiddled with the hem of his t-shirt and bit his lip, almost like a nervous child.

 

" _Can you sleep with me tonight?"_  he finally got the words out. He looked at Taekwoon's confused face and just realized what that must have sounded like. " _No, not like that! Just sleeping! I just need someone to help me feel safer and..."_ he stuttered a lot. Now he definitely couldn't get the words out. He didn't even notice that his hands were shivering until Taekwoon took them in his own. '`He does that a lot`' Hakyeon thought. '`He always knows how to calm me down.`' He was brought back to reality by Taekwoon's voice. " _Of course I will._ " he said with a soft smile. 

 

'`I'll do whatever it takes to make you feel safe.`' Taekwoon thought.  They laid down on Taekwoon's bed, since it was the closest. Taekwoon didn't say it out loud, but he felt better with Hakyeon in his arms, at least for one night he could keep him safe. And Hakyeon felt much safer.  Wrapped in his arms he felt warm and protected. There was no one to disappoint here. The calming scent of Taekwoon made him feel so much better. This night he could sleep better than he had in months.

 


	2. Stone face, golden voice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Word count: 1098
> 
> Rating: PG-13

 

Leo's powerful voice reverberated around the recording studio. They were recording their newest mini album, and as always everyone was doing their very best. When they were mainly focusing on Leo's parts of the song, Hakyeon would always watch him with a longing gaze. The leader had always admired how the lead vocalist always poured every ounce of his being into his singing, no matter if he was supposed to be Leo or Taekwoon at the time. Sure, N had his talents as lead dancer and had a good singing voice, but it was something different with Leo.  He was usually so quiet, so when his booming voice filled the room, everyone would stop and stare in awe.

 

The sad reality was that even if he appeared amazing to other people, Taekwoon was a mess inside. He was super shy in front of the camera, he was insecure and even with constant reassurance he doubted himself and his own talents. Taekwoon constantly jugded himself and gave himself a hard time. He wanted to perfect his talents, but would never admit it to himself if he ever were to acheive perfection. For example in the studio, his first thought after singing is how he could have done it better. Nothing was good enough, and it was breaking him apart.

 

When the recording ended N said, like he always did: " _Good job today everyone!_ " On the way out he kept complementing people on their work during the recording. Their leader loved to praise his members, especially Leo. " _Waah~ you did so good today Woonie!!_ " he praised while they were sitting next to each other in the car on the way home. The leader was sure he saw something in the main vocalist's eyes, it was only there for a second, but it was there. He looked pained, in a way. " _Thank you._ " Leo mumbled. He didn't want to say more because he knew that right now, he was talking to N, not to Hakyeon.  " _Woonie come on! Give me a smile! We are finally done with the recording!_ " N said cheerfully with a huge smile. You could hear Ken in the back scoffing at their leader.  'It must be nice, to have enough confidence to be so expressive. To be able to smile so much and talk so loud without feeling embarrassed about it.' Taekwoon thought to himself.

 

***

 

Taekwoon was sitting in the kitchen, reading a book. He was hoping to avoid the other members and their noisy behaviour. One thing was for sure, he would not suceed in his quest for a silent place to read, because at that moment N came bouncing into the kitchen. " _Taekwoonie? Do you want to watch a movie with me , Wonshik and Hongbin?_ " he said in a sing-songy voice. Taekwoon replied with a short and simple " _No._ " without even looking at the older man. Had he sounded too harsh? N's entire behaviour changed. He dropped the entire cute act when he realized it wasn't working, walked over to Taekwoon, trying again as his real self. Hakyeon back-hugged him while he he said " _Taekwoon please?"_ with a calmer voice than usual. Taekwoon felt his cheeks heating up at the tone of Hakyeon's voice, which was soft as silk. " _I feel a bit tired, I think I'll just go to bed. Maybe some other time."_ Taekwoon replied, while standing up and actually meeting Hakyeon's gaze this time. He saw a hurt look flash across Hakyeon's eyes before he nodded, and Taekwoon left.

 

***

 

Sleep had avoided Taekwoon so he was back to where he started, reading. Considering it was rather warm in his and Hakyeon's room he was under the covers wearing only his boxers. It had been a bit more than two hours since he had spoken to Hakyeon, and the older man didn't show up until now. He was walking, or rather stumbling, into their shared room. Taekwoon looked up at him, and realized then that the leader was somewhat drunk. Not extremely drunk, though. He had probably taken a couple of beers with Wonshik to celebrate end of recordings, but the elder had always had a low tolerance for alcohol. Hakyeon walked slowly towards him and Taekwoon looked at the other expectantly.

 

" _There you are my pretty, pretty Taekwoonie~"_ Hakyeon said in a sugar-sweet sing-songy voice. " _I missed you so much. You were somewhere else for a little while, but it bothered me that you weren't there."_ By now Hakyeon was sitting on Taekwoon's bed and all Taekwoon could do was blink confusedly. Pretty? Really? " _My beautiful, talented Taekwoonie..._ " His smile turned into a displeased frown. " _Why do you always seem so sad? Or maybe it's angry, I am not sure. You always look unhappy at least. You should stop that. You are too pretty to be sad._ " Maybe he was a bit more than 'a couple of beers' drunk after all. He seemed rather lost. 

 

_"Maybe you should go to bed Hakyeon. You seem tired."_ Taekwoon tried to sound firm to make the other listen to him, but he might have come off as cold _._ Now it was Hakyeon's turn to blink confusedly. He opened and closed his mouth a couple of times. Then something dawned upon him. He stood on his feet and spoke.

" _Oh. I forgot. I'm sorry._ " he said, bowing his head. " _Forgot what_?" Taekwoon asked him. He noticed that Hakyeon's eyes looked sort of glossy. " _I forgot_ ," he began slow. " _I forgot that this is reality. I forgot that you don't love me._ " Taekwoon was shocked to say the least. But, Hakyeon was right. He didn't love the elder, he cared for him, loved him as a friend at most. Nothing made for drunk confessions. He had wondered about it before, but this confirmed his own suspicion. It didn't mean he couldn't comfort the other though.

 

" _I'm sorry Hakyeon. Come lay down. You need rest._ " Taekwoon said this while standing up and pulling the other close. Hakyeon was actually crying now. " _I love you, but not like that. Not the way you want me to."_  Hakyeon continued to cry into his shoulder. He seemed lost, now that Taekwoon had confirmed his assumption. He allowed Taekwoon to lay him down on his bed. Taekwoon pulled the covers over him, turned out the lights, and laid down on his own bed.

" _Why can't you just love me? I need you, Taekwoon._ " Hakyeon spoke with a hurt and broken voice. Taekwoon wasn't sure if Hakyeon even knew he was here anymore. " _Why can't I just be yours?_ "


	3. Moving on from rejection

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Words: 1054  
> Rating: PG-13

The morning after, Hakyeon woke up feeling awful. His head was pounding and he was downright exhausted. He felt dried tears on his cheeks and his head felt heavy from crying himself to sleep the night before. Thankfully they didn't have any schedules that day, so he wouldn't have to deal with a pounding headache and fatigue while trying to appear fine. He remembered saying something to Taekwoon, but what did he say? Hakyeon was thinking as hard as he could trying to remember, and hurting his head more in the process, and then it dawned upon him. He put his head in his hands with a groan. How could he be so stupid?

 

Why did he have to drink the night before and tell him everything? He didn't even know how he could face Taekwoon after such a confession. He rose from his bed, walking to the closest bathroom. Of course it had to be occupied. About a minute later Wonshik walked out of the previously mentioned bathroom and said:

" _Wow Hakyeon... I knew you drank a lot yesterday, but I didn't expect this. Are you okay?"_ Hakyeon chose to ignore him and walked into the bathroom, locking the door. He looked in the mirror and realized Wonshik had a point. He had dark circles underneath his bloodshot eyes and he looked a bit paler than usual. He washed his face to make himself look a bit more alive, and left the bathroom without putting on any makeup. After yesterday, he didn't care.

 

He had only been there a couple of minutes, so when he went out, Wonshik was waiting for him where he had left him earlier. He had a concerned look on his face. Hakyeon tried to walk past him, but he felt a hand taking his, stopping him in his tracks.

" _Hakyeon? You don't look well. How much did you drink last night? Did anything happen?"_  The rapper said worriedly. 'He seems to actually care. Why would he though?' Hakyeon thought. 'It's not like I'm worth it.' 

 

" _I'm fine Wonshik. No need to worry. Just a bit hungover."_  The leader spoke in a tired voice that made him sound like he was old and weary of life. The concerned frown didn't disappear from Wonshik's face like he had hoped it would. The rapper pulled him into a hug. He wasn't usually one to initiate hugs, but when he did, it said something. Hakyeon hid his face in the crook of Wonshik's neck and hugged him tightly. He couldn't seem to get rid of the blank expression on his face. He felt empty.

" _I have seen you when you're just a bit hungover. This is not it. If you want to talk about it, I'll be here._ " Wonshik whispered. They stood like that, in the middle of the hallway. Just then Taekwoon turned the corner and froze as he saw the two hugging. He and Hakyeon's eyes met. Hakyeon had the same expressionless expression. Hakyeon could not read Taekwoon's facial expression. If he didn't know better, he might have thought he saw jealousy in the younger's eyes. He looked away and hugged Wonshik tighter. In his peripheral vision he saw Taekwoon turn away and leave. 

 

***

 

Taekwoon felt anger flare up in him. Was he jealous? How could he be? He had come to the conclusion that he didn't love the elder, so what kind of feeling was that. It wasn't like he had caught them in bed together either. They had just been hugging, yet he felt so angry. It might have been the way Hakyeon looked at him as well. He looked like he didn't care about anything. His face looked tired and his eyes kind of bloodshot, but except for that he looked completely apathetic. His eyes looked matte and lifeless. His eyes usually shone brightly and made him look so optimistic and happy. It was gone now. What had he done?

 

***

 

Hakyeon was sitting on his bed. He had tried to read, but he couldn't concentrate on anything for more than a couple of seconds. He just wanted to sleep, but he couldn't do that either. He felt like someone had drained him of all his will to live. He just wanted to disappear. He wanted to give up. 

" _Oh sorry, I didn't know you were in here."_  Hakyeon looked up to the sound of Taekwoon's voice. He felt a sting in his chest when he looked up at the handsome male, and now he definitely wanted the world to go away. The younger man prepared to leave, before Hakyeon's broken voice stopped him in his tracks.

" _Taekwoon, we live together. We share a room. We are bound to run into each other every once in a while. Don't worry about it, I'll leave._ " Hakyeon spoke tiredly. Taekwoon mumbled his name softly as Hakyeon walked past him, but Hakyeon walked past him. He didn't want to talk to Taekwoon. He wanted to leave it all.

 

Taekwoon wanted to scream. Whatever he felt he never wanted this. 'Stupid, useless Taekwoon' he thought. He repeated it in his head like a mantra. That was how he felt. He had hurt the person he cared the most for, he had done this. He would go find comfort in someone else and be happy with someone else. He wanted the other to be happy. He would do anything for his happiness. But to see him with someone else, somebody that loved him and would do anything for his happiness like Taekwoon would. That would be impossibly hard. He had to stop being so dependent on the other, because it had only been a day and he felt like he wanted to be sick.

 

***

 

He walked into the room Wonshik shared with the other main vocalist. The only one in the room was Wonshik who was lying on his bed with his laptop next to him. Hakyeon crawled into his bed and laid next to him without a word. Wonshik closed his laptop and put it away. He hugged the leader close to him.

" _Do you want to talk about it?_ " the rapper offered. Hakyeon just shook his head. The rapper got the message and just hugged him close. That was all he needed right now, and Wonshik understood that.


	4. Joyful sorrow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Words: 1469  
> Rating PG-13 (T)  
> Warnings: Swearing

A week had passed since their interaction in their room. They still stayed in the same room, but they didn't talk to each other. The other members had noticed the change in behaviour. The previous best friends who leaned on each other for anything, would hardly spare each other a glance. They also noticed the change in their personalities. Taekwoon had become even more reserved. He hardly spoke at all, if no one asked him something that couldn't be answered with gestures. Hakyeon changed as well. He became emptier, in a way. He would always have that sad look in his eyes, and seemed to be more tired than usual. 

 

On camera, they acted completely differently. They acted as the same N and Leo everyone knew and loved. N even initiated skinship with Leo and was always smiling. Leo's character had always been more quiet and shy, but he smiled and acted in a way that made their audience love him. As soon as they stepped into their van, the facade died. N and Leo became Hakyeon and Taekwoon, and stayed on their side of the van. Between them you had Wonshik, who constantly tried to break the silence and bring the two quiet members into a discussion. He didn't want anything else than his friends back to normal.

" _Today went pretty well, right? You guys interacted very well, and it looked like you were actually talking again!_ " Wonshik tried his best. He really wanted them to work again.

" _I guess..._ " Hakyeon said, looking absentmindedly out the window. Wonshik deadpanned. He had to do something about this. Taekwoon had not even reacted. He was also looking out the window, and pretended he didn't hear him. The other members had been trying to get them to talk all week, to no avail. They didn't even know what happened, but it had to change. The group had been praised for their great chemistry, but that didn't really work when the two oldest members refused to speak to one another.

 

***

 

Later that evening Taekwoon was sitting in his and Hakyeon's room on his laptop. He heard the door open and someone walked in. He didn't even need to look up to realize that it was Hakyeon. He noticed the leader looking at him. Taekwoon looked up and met the leader's gaze. There was a sort of longing look in his eyes. 

" _Did you want anything?_ " Taekwoon asked coldly. It hurt, talking to Hakyeon. That hurt transformed into the bitter tone of his voice.

" _No, nothing. Never mind. Just go back to whatever you were doing._ " the leader said in an equally bitter tone. Hakyeon was hurt, and had no plans on sugarcoating things for the younger, or even spare him a smile, like he would if it was a camera recording them.  

 

While that small exchange of words happened, Wonshik happened to walk by. It was the first time in a week he had heard them speaking to one another. Suddenly he got an idea. He took the key to their room quietly and locked the door while they were both in there. At the same time Hakyeon tried leaving the room. Finding the door locked he yelled:

" _What the hell? Why is the door locked?_ " He was shaking the door handle trying to pull the door open in anger. 

" _I'm sick of you two ignoring each other and bringing the entire group down! I'm not letting you out until you talk this out. I don't know what happened, but you need to sort this out."_ Ravi shouted through the door. 

 

" _KIM WONSHIK YOU OPEN THIS DOOR THIS INSTANT! WHAT HAPPENED IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS! LET. ME. OUT."_ Hakyeon shouted with a ferocious anger unlike what Taekwoon had seen him express in all their years of friendship. But it was too late. Wonshik had already left, key in hand. Taekwoon rose from his bed. He had been sitting calmly the entire time. He reached over and tried to take the others' hand to remove it from the door handle and to calm him down. Hakyeon pulled his hand back quickly as if it had been burned.

 

" _Don't you dare to do that Jung Taekwoon! Stay away from me!_ " Hakyeon saw red. He spat out the venomous words.

This was not happening. He couldn't let Taekwoon affect him like this. He was bad for him. They had shared their struggles and had both trusted each other. They were beyond friends. They were so good yet so bad for each other. He was ruining him. He had told him everything, and knew his every weakness. You don't do that with regular friends, do you? When he told him his deepest, darkest secret he had been met with cold rejection. Like he was even more unworthy than he felt like. 

 

Taekwoon was shocked to say the least. He hardly ever called him other things than nicknames. He couldn't recall Hakyeon calling him by his full name. He was extremely angry. Taekwoon on the other hand was to broken to be angry. He felt empty, like he had been pulled off of life support. Was that what Hakyeon was to him? Not a crush, not a person he simply cared for, his life support? When he thought about it, he had needed the other more than he should. He confesses his problems and worries to him. He helped him carry on. And when Hakyeon confessed to him, he had acted like it was nothing? Like Hakyeon's feelings didn't matter as much as his own? Taekwoon felt a distaste in his mouth. He had been so horrible to a person he needed so much. 

 

***

 

Half an hour had passed since they were locked in their room.  Neither had spoken since the hand incident and both were sitting on their beds staring into the wall. Hakyeon wanted to leave, but he didn't want to talk to the younger. Taekwoon's voice broke the silence. 

 

_"I think we should try to talk. It doesn't look like they are letting us out anytime soon."_ Taekwoon tried. He didn't really want to talk either, but it was now or never, it seemed. Hakyeon chuckled darkly and gave a smile that looked almost insane. He was smiling brightly, but his eyes looked really angry. 

_"Oh really, you think so **Woonie**?" _ Hakyeon snorted at the old nickname as he said it. _"What do you want to talk about? Nothing's wrong, right? It must be great for you, not having to deal with me anymore."_ That did it for Taekwoon.

 

" _Oh cut the bullshit Hakyeon! I am sorry for what I did, but I can't make myself love you like you want me to! But don't think for a second that even if I couldn't express it in the phrase 'I love you' that you don't matter to me! I need you. I can't express it, but I do_." He basically screamed at Hakyeon while leaving his bed, who looked a mix of hurt and angry by his harsh words. Suddenly he jumped up as well.

" _What you are expressing is close enough to love! Why can't you say you love me! I don't want to do this anymore. You are breaking me apart, Taekwoon. I don't want to be this dependent on you, but I am. And if you need me too, that is as close to love as we are getting, right?"_ He was crying. There was some sort of hope in his voice. He wanted this to work so badly. Taekwoon, on the other hand, couldn't believe his ears. He walked closer to him and took the elders hands in his. He looked serious.

" _Is that what kind of sick definition love is in your mind? That is not love, that is_ _codependency_. _That we are so bad for each other, but can't let go! That can't be healthy!_ " Hakyeon pulled his hands away. He looked at Taekwoon like he had lost his mind. 

" _BUT I NEED YOU! HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT ISN'T LOVE!_ " he yelled. When he calmed down a bit he said: " _We both care for each other, and tell each other everything. We make sure the other is doing alright, and depend on one another. That might be codependency as well, but it has to be love too! I can't do this without you._ " He was crying a lot, barely getting the words out. " _And don't you dare say something like we are better off without each other, because it has been a week, and we clearly aren't._ " Taekwoon didn't know what to say, so he kept quiet. He was hugging the other and simply let him cry into his shoulder. They stayed like that for a while, until they heard the door being unlocked.


	5. Observing affectionate addiction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Words: 1099  
> Rating: PG-13

The man who was knows as Lee Hongbin had always enjoyed observing people. He liked to see how they acted around others, and how they acted when they thought no one could see them. That is how he got his nickname "The Artwork". He would stand quietly and look pretty when he was looking at others. Right now he was pretending to read while observing the two oldest members of the group who were cuddling on the sofa. Or, more specifically, Hakyeon was sleeping in Taekwoon's arms and Taekwoon was absentmindedly stroking his back and staring at nothing in particular. 

 

Over the past two weeks Hakyeon had looked happier than the visual had seen him in ages. He seemed to be genuinely smiling often, and had way more energy. He didn't know what happened after their fight two weeks ago, but the leader was on cloud nine. To see him be this talkative and happy again made the others members happy as well. He had the power to affect the emotions of people around him, so when he was happy, the rest of them were happy, at least to some extent. 

 

Taekwoon, on the other hand, was another story. The reason the visual was confused as to what could have happened in that room, was because of the main vocalist's behaviour. During their debut as VIXX, Taekwoon was very reserved and hardly said a word or expressed much affection. Over time he had slowly left his shell and become a bit less quiet and more affectionate. They could at least thank their leader for that, because he had noticed over the years how much time the two spent together. But, during the week they had been fighting, Taekwoon was right back at the beginning, not talking to anyone and keeping strictly to himself. Even after the fight was over, he was more reserved than he had been earlier, only looking happy when he knew Hakyeon was looking. 

 

Actually, come to think of it, Taekwoon seemed worse. Not in his quietness, but he had become careless when it came to himself. Every time Hakyeon would ask him to do something, he would comply. He would forget his own needs, sometimes skipping meals, not being sociable, stay up later, all for Hakyeon. He still did his parts in VIXX and practiced a lot to be better, never seeming truly happy with his talents, but he seemed disconnected. He would give his all, but his mind was somewhere else. Had the visual just been looking at Hakyeon he would think the two had a happy relationship or something, but looking at Taekwoon made him realize that it probably wasn't the entire story, and that the need they seemed to have for each other was more complicated than just regular love.

 

                                                                                                          ***

 

Taekwoon was relaxing on the sofa, with a sleeping Hakyeon in his arms. He was into thin air stuck in his thoughts when Hakyeon moved in his sleep. He snuggled up closer to Taekwoon's warmth. Taekwoon found himself looking at the elder. He looked angelic when he slept, and so much younger and untouched by stress. He really was beautiful. From his tanned skin, to his captivating eyes and shiny hair, Cha Hakyeon was gorgeous. Though the most attractive feature to the leader had to be his laugh. That is why Taekwoon stayed by his side, and cared less about himself than about Hakyeon. He wanted to see him happy, even if that meant he would be miserable.

 

Taekwoon felt like he needed the older man, and needed to make sure he was happy. The other had been struggling a lot to keep the happy face on stage going, but apparently Taekwoon had helped him with that. But helping the other came with a price. His negative energy and insecurities had attached themselves to Taekwoon. He had never been one for drinking, but now he ended up taking a shot or a glass of something intoxicating almost every night to cope with his own stress and Hakyeon. He was often worn out from being around people all the time, and usually he would just take some time alone, but now every time he went off on his own, Hakyeon would look so sad. He looked like he wanted to help, and Taekwoon didn't know how to tell him that he couldn't. This was suffocating him slowly, and he didn't know what to do.

 

He must have been half asleep as he was staring into nothing because time passed quickly and soon Hakyeon was awake looking up at him with curious eyes. He spoke softly: " _You seem so caught up in your own thoughts. Is something wrong?_ " Taekwoon soon caught up with reality and processed the question. Hakyeon looked worried and was waiting for an answer.

" _No, don't worry, I'm fine. Nothing is wrong. Everything is perfect right now._ " Taekwoon said in a soothing voice with a small smile. The most important thing was that Hakyeon was happy. He would gladly suffer if he knew it was for Hakyeon's good. Hakyeon seemed to accept that answer and snuggled into his chest. Hakyeon sighed undoubtedly.  

" _I think everything is perfect right now too. Tell me if there is anything wrong. I love you so much and don't want to see someone I love being sad."_   Hakyeon murmured and kissed his cheek. Taekwoon could only give a smile that didn't quite reach his eyes as Hakyeon closed his eyes again.

 

Taekwoon kissed the top of his head as he met the curious gaze of Hongbin who was reading a book across the room. Hongbin didn't always say much, but his expressive eyes spoke for him. '`He knows`' was all Taekwoon could think. He stroked Hakyeon's back until the other's breath relaxed and he fell asleep. Hongbin rose from his seat and came closer, so they could talk and he didn't have to shout without risking to wake Hakyeon.

_"You look tired. I can see it in your eyes._ " the visual spoke very softly, but still sounded serious. 

" _Well, I am._ " Taekwoon replied, eyes wandering to the man in his arms.

" _Are you sure you're all right?_ " The visual tried. Hongbin was worried, but didn't voice his concerns all that often.

" _As long as he is, I am._ " The main vocalist said, motioning to the eldest of the three. Hongbin sighed in response and left the room.  Taekwoon closed his eyes. He didn't want to think anymore. What he didn't know, was that Hakyeon was only pretending to sleep and heard every word he said. 


	6. Fright and reassurance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Words: 1494  
> Rating: PG-13 (T)  
> Warnings: Watch out for self-destructive thoughts, if you are sensitive when it comes to that type of thing.

A day had passed since Hakyeon had overheard his and Hongbin's conversation. He was unsure what to do with this information. He was sitting on his bed nervously playing with his fingers. 'Is Taekwoon not happy? Why not? Am I too much? Have I always been too much? Why didn't he say anything? I know he is sensitive and the affection I give him can be overwhelming. Why am I doing this to him?' Hakyeon thought. He was so confused and felt really insecure. He had been selfish to only think about himself. Hakyeon desperately didn't want to lose Taekwoon. He couldn't. He didn't know what he would do if he had the chance to have Taekwoon all to himself, but lost him so quickly. 

 

Just then Taekwoon walked into the room and saw Hakyeon sitting there, clearly nervous. He wondered if there was anything wrong, at least anything he could fix.  " _What is wrong, Hakyeon? You look a bit tense_."  Hakyeon was noticeably startled, and had clearly not seen him come in. Once he calmed down he patted the space next to him, a silent wish for Taekwoon to sit down. Taekwoon sat, and looked at him with concerned, yet curious eyes.

" _Are_ _you unhappy? With this?_ " He made a hand gesture to show that he meant their relationship. " _Whatever this is. I mean, you used to always stay away from me. You always seemed more sensitive to physical contact, and these days you are with me almost every waking hour_."

 

'How did Hakyeon find out?' Taekwoon thought. He seemed genuinely concerned, and as happy as it made Taekwoon, it also confused him. His feelings was not the most important here. The only thing that mattered was that Hakyeon was happy, and that he wouldn't have to worry so much.

" _No, why would it make me unhappy? I do need some time to myself every once in a while, but it is not as important as being with you. I need you, and I think you need me as well. As long as you are happy, I'm happy_." He spoke softly with a smile grazing his handsome features. It was a lie, and he didn't like lying to Hakyeon, but it was necessary to keep the older man from freaking out. He wouldn't want that. He didn't need his worries.

 

Hakyeon studied the youngers features, but found only truth. Maybe he had misunderstood. He hugged the younger and his his face in the crook of his neck. " _Taekwoonie, I love you so much._ _You are right, I need you._ _You make me very happy, so I want to do the same for you._ " Hakyeon smiled. Taekwoon pulled back a little, and kissed his cheek. Hakyeon knew that was the closest thing to a confession he would get from the younger tonight, so he was happy with that. Hakyeon had come to realize that even if Taekwoon could have problems with physical contact, he would rather express his love through actions than words. So Hakyeon would say  _I love you_ while Taekwoon would return that with a kiss, or simply the gesture of staying by his side all day. As they embraced one another again, Taekwoon felt his smile fade and a pang in his chest. If he felt bad about lying before, it was nothing compared to now.

 

***

### A week later

Taekwoon was lying in bed with Hakyeon, not even close to sleeping. Over time Taekwoon had started developing the symptoms of insomnia. This made the nights rather hard for him. He couldn't relax properly. He needed air. Maybe that would clear his head and help him relax. He looked down at Hakyeon and how peaceful he looked. Hakyeon was sleeping like the dead, he probably wouldn't notice if he left, would he?

 

Taekwoon rose from Hakyeon's bed, careful to not wake Hakyeon. He had decided to take a walk. He wouldn't be too long anyway. He picked up some clothes that were laid carelessly on his own bed, which messed up the comforter, and quietly put them on. Even if Hakyeon woke up, he probably wouldn't care. He shouldn't need constant reassurance from Taekwoon. He would be fine.

 

***

 

Hakyeon stirred in his sleep. Without opening his eyes, his hands started reaching for Taekwoon. The bed felt colder without him in it. Finding nothing he opened his eyes. Where did he go?! Hakeyon started to panic. Where would he go in the middle of the night? This reminded him of the time before they got together, where he would wake up from a dream where they were a happy couple only to find out he had made everything up in his head. It reminded him too much of that. It couldn't be.

 

Hakyeon looked over at Taekwoon's bed. He didn't sleep there now, yet the comforter looked like someone had been using it. Had he gone to the bathroom or something? Why was his bed so cold, and why did it look like someone slept in Taekwoon's bed?! 'NO, NO, NO! THIS CAN'T BE!' Hakyeon's mind was screaming at him. Had these perfect three weeks been a dream? Without noticing he had started walking around the dorm, but no sign of Leo anywhere. He felt tears running down his cheeks. Had he become so delusional that he dreamed an entire relationship? He walked into his and Taekwoon's room and sat down on his bed. He brought his knees close to his head and started sobbing violently.

 

***

 

Taekwoon had been walking around outside for about half an hour. The fresh air had relaxed him, and to just walk around without any destination or anyone to impress he felt properly relaxed. 'I should return before Hakyeon notices I'm gone.' Taekwoon thought to himself. He walked into the dorm and quietly walked to his and Hakyeon's shared room. Waiting for him inside was the sobbing mess of Hakyeon, looking so shaky and like a complete mess. Taekwoon ran to the bed belonging to Hakyeon. 

 

" _Hakyeon, oh my world, what happened?!_ " He held the leader as close to him as physically possible. He only went out for about half an hour, how could something like this happen? Hakyeon looked up at him, his eyes making him look like a vulnerable child. He looked at him in disbelief, like he wasn't sure if Taekwoon  was really there. With a weak voice Hakyeon whispered:

" _Woonie? Are you actually there? And which Taekwoon are you? Are you a dream as well?_ " Taekwoon couldn't believe his ears. What had happened? 

" _Yes, Hakyeon, I'm actually here. And what do you mean? There is only one Taekwoon. And that is me._ " He tried to reassure the older man. Hakyeon let out a choked sob. 

" _I mean, are you the Woonie that is just a friend, or the Woonie that is mine? I must have invented the second one in my dreams. But it was such a good dream, Woonie! You were finally mine after all that time._ " The sorrowful look in the older man's eyes was breaking Taekwoon's heart. He looked so inconsolable, that Taekwoon was saddened as well.

" _Listen Hakyeon. There is only one Taekwoon, and that is the Taekwoon that is yours. I am yours, and if my need for you is the same as love, than I guess this Taekwoon loves you as well._ " He looked directly into Hakyeon's eyes. Earlier he had wished for Hakyeon to stop worrying, and now he was heartbroken from believing he was delusional. 

" _I want to believe you so badly, but this is too good to be reality. You are too perfect to be mine."_  Hakyeon was shaking his head in disbelief as he spoke. Taekwoon wasn't sure what to do. How could he make Hakyeon believe him. He had used the time he was away to convince himself that everything had been a dream. Taekwoon did the only thing he could do. He gently put his hand on the other's cheek and kissed him. He kissed him with all his love. He had to make Hakyeon believe. He had to make Hakyeon happy again. Taekwoon felt Hakyeon's tears on his own cheeks. 

 

_"Is it true? Do you promise that you aren't lying to me? Because I can't realize this was all a dream once again. I have done it too many times, and I don't think I can do it again. I love you so much, please be real. Please be mine._ " Hakyeon was sobbing those words out. How many times had he imagined a relationship like the one they had? How many times had he woken up heartbroken? Never again, Hakyeon won't endure that ever again.

" _I promise. I am yours and you are mine. I love you too._ " Taekwoon replied. He had to show Hakyeon that he was loved. Hakyeon seemed to believe him this time. The elder crawled onto his lap and Taekwoon put his arms around him. Maybe Hakyeon actually needed constant reassurance. This thought scared Taekwoon.


	7. Confiding in a friend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Word count: 1452  
> Rating: PG-13 (T)

A couple of weeks had passed since Hakyeon's breakdown. He was now even clingier than before and would hardly let Taekwoon out of his sight. Taekwoon was used to being on his own or simply with Hakyeon, so nobody noticed the difference there. Hakyeon however, talkative and sociable Hakyeon, was now only clinging to Taekwoon, and that people noticed. It had been easier now, considering they had been preparing for their comeback, and was now in the middle of it. Nobody expected them to have enough time to socialize with many others except their band members. Promotions however, ended next week, and this was starting to worry Taekwoon. If there was no constant cameras, what would happen to Hakyeon?

 

Hakyeon had just woken up and was looking for Taekwoon. Why wasn't he in their room? He walked into the living room, finding him there. He was talking to Hongbin. Hakyeon felt a pang in his chest from jealousy. Sure, they were just talking, but he couldn't help it. Taekwoon looked effortlessly happy when he was talking to Hongbin. Not like he looked when he was with Hakyeon. He looked happy, but it looked like he was forcing it a bit.

 

Hakyeon was around the corner of the entrance to their living room, so they couldn't see him. He was debating with himself whether or not he should approach them. He wanted so much to go over and kiss him in front of Hongbin to let him know that Taekwoon belonged to him, but he shouldn't. No, what was he thinking? Taekwoon deserved to have a social life outside of him. He went back to his room and opened his laptop. He couldn't help it that his eyes wandered towards the door, hoping Taekwoon would walk in. They were talking for so long, what could they be talking about? Were they talking about him? The thoughts were eating him up inside, but he couldn't get himself to go talk to Taekwoon. Maybe he was better off with him? Would he be more happy with Hongbin? 

 

***

 

Taekwoon had woken up early. He looked at Hakyeon's sleeping form. He looked so peaceful, so Taekwoon decided not to disturb him. He went to the kitchen and made himself a cup of tea. Hongbin entered the kitchen as well. Taekwoon mumbled a soft greeting. Hongbin looked at him with an expression he couldn't interpret.

" _Where is Hakyeon? He seems to be like your shadow, following you everywhere._ " Hongbin commented.

" _He is still asleep. No need to be like that. He is my boyfriend, not my shadow. He is just affectionate._ " Taekwoon replied in a mildly annoyed tone.

" _Are you sure? What about your alone time? You seemed to always need time alone, to gather enough energy to be able to be with any of us. These days he is glued to your side. He seems obsessed. What about you?"_

_"Stop it, already. What you say might be true, but you don't know every side of this. I need him too. Yes, it tires me out. But my needs don't matter as long as he is happy. He looks so sad when I leave him alone, so I feel bad. I don't really know what to do, so I just keep going." Taekwoon spoke with a straight face, but there was an ever-present hurt look in his eyes._

 

Hongbin gave him a shocked look. To hear how unselfish Taekwoon was, made him wish he could help him so bad. The only thing he could do to help, was to talk to him. To be a friend and help. This couldn't go on. He noticed Hakyeon looking so sad when Taekwoon walked off on his own. He noticed how sad Taekwoon looked whenever Hakyeon wasn't looking. None of them seemed truly happy. 

" _Let's find somewhere else to talk more comfortably._ " Hongbin said with a soft smile, taking Taekwoon's hand, leading him towards the living room of their dorm. Taekwoon took his tea cup and they walked out of the kitchen.

 

" _You said I don't know every side of this, so teach me. Help me understand. If I can understand maybe I can help you."_   Hongbin really wanted to help his friend. He had always liked Taekwoon. Even though he could be silent and unexpressive, he wasn't cold. He was kind and had supported him before, even if it was from the side quietly. 

" _I don't really know how to explain our relationship. He is so needy. He is always there. I try to say no to spending so much time with him, but his reactions break my heart. I know I shouldn't let him use guilt on me, but I keep giving in_." Taekwoon stopped. Hongbin noticed how difficult it was for him to say these things, so he just nodded encouragingly. Taekwoon continued.

" _But at the same time I need him so much. I don't know if I can exist without him. He is so wonderful, and so beautiful. I feel addicted to him. A while back, when we were fighting, I saw him hugging Wonshik. They weren't doing anything bad, but I felt so jealous that I wanted to scream. I wanted to tear Wonshik away, hold him and never let go._ " Taekwoon took a deep breath before he continued.

" _A couple of weeks ago he had a breakdown. I needed my alone time, and went outside for about half an hour. I was just out for a walk, but he woke up, and he woke up alone. He genuinely thought that he had imagined our entire relationship and had a crying fit. It took so long to calm him down, that I'm almost scared to leave him alone at all. Just sitting here talking with you is stressful. What if he has woken up? Will he think he imagined everything again?"_ Taekwoon took a deep breath as he finished.

 

" _I think it's safe to say that you really needed to talk about this. This is the first time I heard you talk that much in a short period of time. You compliment him so much, and you say that you need him all the time. And I get that part, you need him, but do you love him? You obviously feel something for him, but you seem to describe him as a burden. Is a healthy relationship really supposed to be like this?"_ Hongbin stopped. He didn't want to break them apart, he just wanted to see them both happy. 

" _On one hand it seems as if you need each other, and love one another.  On the other hand the two of you don't seem like you always pay enough attention to each other's needs, or your own for that matter. I don't really get you two. You get so easily jealous and are rather possessive. Being without each other cause the both of you great grief. I can't really give you that much advice, as I hoped I could. You don't really look happier apart from each other. I'm sorry, Taek."_ Hongbin wanted to help so bad, but didn't know what to do.

 _"It's fine. I don't get it either. I think I love him a lot. That would explain my need for him. It did help to talk about it, though. We'll see what happens"_ Taekwoon replied with a sad smile. With that Hakyeon walked into the room and embraced him from behind.

 

***

 

Hakyeon had waited a long time. He found himself scratching his arm and shaking a bit from his anxiety taking over. They were definitely talking about him. He couldn't loose Taekwoon to Hongbin. Why didn't he come back yet? That was it. Hakyeon stood up, walking towards the living room. He didn't care if he looked possessive or jealous.

 

He walked inside the room. The only thing he heard was Taekwoon uttering the words _"It did help to talk about it though. We'll see what happens."_ It didn't really inform Hakyeon about what they had been talking about. He walked inside and gave Taekwoon a back hug. Taekwoon jumped a bit, but relaxed into the hug the moment after. This didn't calm Hakyeon's nerves. 

" _Hey, Woonie. What were you two talking about for so long?_ " Hakyeon spoke sweetly and tried his best to not let his jealousy bleed through his words. He gave Taekwoon a kiss on the cheek as well. 'Am I getting too territorial?' Hakyeon thought.

" _Nothing much. Did you miss me?"_  Taekwoon said, standing up. 

 _"Always. Want to go out? I want some bubble tea or something."_ Hakyeon answered, tone still sweet. 'Actually I want to get you away from Hongbin.' he thought.

_"Sure, let's go out."_


	8. Masochistic desire

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Word count: 1019  
> Rating: PG-13 (T)  
> Warnings: References to the act of suicide, self-destructive thoughts.

A couple of hours had passed since Taekwoon and Hakyeon went out for bubble tea. They were now sitting in their respective beds, getting ready to go to sleep. Taekwoon was on his laptop and Hakyeon was on his phone looking through his Twitter. Hakyeon stole glances at Taekwoon every once in a while and was genuinely feeling uneasy. He felt insecure. He wanted the best for Taekwoon. Long he had believed that if he fixed himself a bit, if one day he woke up and everything was better, he could be the best for his lover. He had, over time, come to the conclusion that things weren't going to change. Time passed, yet he felt like he was getting worse. Like he was drowning but no one noticed, because they were all still breathing. 

 

" _Would you be happier with Hongbin?"_ Hakyeon queried. Taekwoon looked up before he replied. 

_"What are you talking about?"_

_"Would you be happier with Hongbin? In my place? Or not necessarily him. My question is really... Would you be happier with someone else?"_ He tried again. He couldn't be perfect for Taekwoon, so he wanted someone who could. 

 

" _No, I wouldn't. I wouldn't be happier, because it wouldn't be you. I am with you for a reason. I need you so much, Hakyeon."_ Taekwoon spoke confusedly. He spoke as if the choice of being with Hakyeon was the most obvious choice in the world, which to him, it was.

_"Stop needing me. It won't give you anything but misery. I need to know that you can be with someone who are good for you."_ Hakyeon was frustrated. How could Taekwoon be so blind? He needed to know that Taekwoon would be alright on his own. If something were to happen to him, either by his own doing or somebody else's, he needed to know that his Woonie would be ok. Taekwoon was quiet for a couple of minutes before responding.

_"You are all I need. I don't care if I'm destroyed, as long as it is by your hands."_

 

***

 

### The next day

Hakyeon was sitting on the sofa in the living room of their dorm with a cup of tea in his hands and a blanket wrapped around him. Both him and Taekwoon had opted out of practice that day. Taekwoon was somewhere else in the dorm, but he didn't really feel like talking to him. These days he felt himself slipping. Out of nowhere he could start crying. He felt lonely even if he was in a room filled with people. He felt like he didn't belong anymore. He felt selfish and irrational for continuing to be with Taekwoon even though he freaked out every time Taekwoon was with anyone else. He felt empty yet so full at the same time. Like he was screaming with his mouth shut.

 

He shivered, taking another sip of his tea. His own thoughts were suffocating him. Hakyeon was drowning and all he knew was that he didn't want to drag anyone down with him, Taekwoon in particular. The younger man was vulnerable, and Hakyeon knew this. He was easily broken, and Hakyeon had been breaking him apart for too long. Taekwoon's arms usually felt like home, but in this moment he felt homeless.

 

***

 

Taekwoon walked inside the room. He stopped as soon as he had seen Hakyeon. Taekwoon's eyes were glistening with raw emotion. He looked like he was missing something he could never get back. He walked towards him wordlessly and sat down next to him. Wrapping his arms around the leader he let out a sigh.

" _Are you avoiding me?_ " he mumbled into Hakyeon's shoulder. Hakyeon didn't want to answer. He didn't move. " _Are you?_ " Taekwoon continued. Hakyeon wasn't getting out of this one. Taekwoon sounded so pained. 

" _Yes._ " Hakyeon said with a pained sigh. He hated saying things like these to Taekwoon. He hated it so much, but Taekwoon deserved the truth. " _It's not really your fault. I am sinking and I just need you to continue floating._ " 

 

Taekwoon hugged him tighter. He didn't seem like he was going to let go anytime soon. Hakyeon put his cup away and leaned into the touch he was craving, but was trying to stop needing. He felt so selfish. He had avoided him for Taekwoon's own good, yet here he was, giving in so easily. 'Just for today. Then it will be over. It's for his own good. That is the best way to show my love.' Hakyeon thought. 'Tomorrow. That's when it all ends.' He snuggled closer to the younger. They stayed like that for a while.

 

 ***

 

Taekwoon left after a while. He had wanted to be close to Hakyeon, but he was easily overwhelmed. Even with Hakyeon, being so close could tire him out at times. Hakyeon was thinking to himself. He was trying to find a way to tell Taekwoon that he wished to let him go. That it would be better for him. He changed the words over and over again. Hakyeon thought that Taekwoon just needed to need someone. Maybe that someone could be somebody else. He had been selfish for too long. He loved Taekwoon so much he might burst from it. He thought maybe that old expression was right.  _If you love someone, let them go._  He tried over and over again, but nothing sounded right.

 

He shook his head in frustration. This wasn't working. He couldn't give Taekwoon a million reasons and expect him to listen. He knew Taekwoon was stubborn. He leaned back towards the sofa, and let the dark thoughts that crept in the back of his mind take over. He had let those thoughts out a bit too often lately. 'I wonder if he would miss me? He would care, but would he cry for me? Would that break him? I wish I could stop existing without hurting my family, band members, fans, and especially Taekwoon.'  Hakyeon thought. He didn't want to hurt anyone by continuing, but he didn't want to hurt them by stopping either. What was he supposed to do?

 


	9. Pained farewells, hurtful acceptance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Word count: 947  
> Rating: PG-13 (T)

" _This is for your own good, Woonie. I'm really sorry and I love you, but I have to let you go. I don't want to drag you down with me._ " Hakyeon spoke with a dry voice. No tears, no nothing. He wanted so badly to be selfish, but he couldn't, for Taekwoon's sake. This was the right thing to do, he was sure of it. He spoke shortly and surely, having practised the words carefully in front of the mirror countless times. Everything was going to go over quickly.

 

Taekwoon looked shocked. His eyes were filled with unshed tears, and he avoided Hakyeon's eyes. He bit his lip and shook his head lightly, as if he didn't want to listen to him. Suddenly, he looked up, meeting Hakyeon's emotionless gaze. 

" _How can you just speak for me like that? How are you supposed to know what's best for me?_ " He scoffed. He wasn't going to let Hakyeon end everything like that.  He had fancied the leader for way too long to let it end quickly with a couple of well-wishes and I love you's. He understood well enough that the other felt depressed and wanted to push everyone away so that he wouldn't hurt as many people. He had seen Hakyeon getting worse, and he had been there himself. He wanted to help the man he loved.

 

" _I just.._ " Hakyeon tried, his mask fading away. He had wanted to be cold about the entire affair, thinking it would make it easier. Before he could say anything else, he was interrupted.

 

" _Hakyeon, stop. Let me talk. You talk all the time. I often avoid letting people into my head and voice my fears and opinions. I know that, but please, just this once, let me talk_." Taekwoon took a deep breath. At this point the usually stoic man's cheeks were stained by tears. He wanted to keep Hakyeon forever, and he knew that if he wanted that he had to fight for him, and be able to talk. He let out a choke as he started speaking once more.

" _I love you. More than you believe. More than I thought I could. I can not imagine my life without you. We don't have to be together, but I want you to know, that I won't stop loving and caring for you. I have reached the point of no return. You are not doing me any good by distancing yourself from me. This is because even though it hurts a lot, you are still my favourite pain_." Taekwoon bit his lip. He had wanted to say something like that for such a long time, but he had struggled with expressing it.

 

Hakyeon was speechless. He hadn't expected such a confession from Taekwoon. This was supposed to be over quickly, like ripping of a band-aid. That was clearly not the case. Taekwoon was fighting, he didn't want to go. Didn't he understand how hurt he would eventually be? How much Hakyeon could break him? 

 

" _I see you. You have been sinking. Lately you have been getting noticeably worse. I knew for a long time, but the others have started to notice that something isn't right. Everyone loves you so much, but none more than me. I see you. You put on that fake smile like you put on make-up. Acting like everything is fine, when it clearly isn't. I just want to help. Please don't push me away._ " Taekwoon's voice was much softer now. It was like listening to a beautiful melody of comforting words.

 

Hakyeon ran into Taekwoon's arms. He was giving in. He didn't think Taekwoon could really help him, but he couldn't do it on his own either. He might as well be with his lover until it ended, one way or another. 'You selfish bastard! You were supposed to help him! There is no helping you, but he can still be saved from your self-destructive mind. You are weak and careless.' Hakyeon's mind was screaming at him as he hugged his lover harder. His mind continued to tell him similar things over and over again. If someone else was to say those things to you, you could always run away or simply stop listening. When your own mind is the the one saying these things, there is no escape.

 

" _It's not like we can avoid each other so easily if we were to break up. We are always with one another, because of VIXX._ " Taekwoon murmured as he hugged the elder tightly. Hakyeon felt like someone had punched him. He was always with the others, always there for the fans, and the fans were always there for them, as much as they could. He had so many responsibilities, and he was feeling them all make his heart a bit heavier. It felt as though there was no escape. He let his tears run down his cheeks. He was crying a lot lately. It was becoming harder and harder to go through with this. 

" _You have been so strong. You don't have to go through with this on your own. You have me_." Taekwoon spoke softly. Hakyeon cried even harder. Taekwoon cooed at him, mumbling things like " _It's okay to cry_ " and " _I'm her_ e" and " _Let it all out_." At some point they had sat down. Hakyeon refused to let his younger lover go. ' Some battles I have to fight for myself. You can't hold  my hand and walk me through this, Woonie. Why don't you understand?' Hakyeon thought, his head hurting from all the crying. He sobbed into his boyfriend's chest. 'What am I supposed to do?" was his final thought before falling asleep from exhaustion. 

 


	10. Pain in it's prime

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Word count: 1111  
> Rating: PG-13 (T)  
> Warnings: Self-destructive thoughts

Hakyeon staggered into his and Taekwoon's room. It was long into the night and VIXX had so many schedules today. It started with a very draining variety show, performing a set of songs at the previously mentioned variety show and then practice after that. They had been told after their performance that they had a couple of errors, which of course was a weakness. They had been pushed even harder than usual in practice today, because apparently, only perfection was acceptable.

 

Hakyeon just wanted to hide. He was exhausted and his mind had been telling him these awful things all day. With the help of their vocal coach and dance instructor he had been telling himself that he was messing the dance and singing up for everyone. He had been telling himself that he could never be good enough, and that he should really just give up. That the struggle wasn't worth it because he would never be perfect, and to achieve perfection was the only way to be good enough.

 

He sank down in one of the corners of the room clutching his chest. His head was hurting and tears that felt like fire was burning his skin. Everything hurt and he just wanted to die. He leaned his head against the cold wall as he heard the faint sound of a shower being turned on. He was torn. On one hand he wanted to let go of everything, disappear forever and finally be at peace. On the other hand he loved his members, Taekwoon in particular, so very much and didn't want to let them down and drop everything on them.

 

The hard part was that the first option appeared more and more desirable, to the point where even Taekwoon was losing in this. He loved his slightly younger boyfriend to the point where it was probably unhealthy and would want the very best for him. This had become difficult to give him when Taekwoon had proved himself to not be that easily erased. Taekwoon believed that he could be helped, but Hakyeon couldn't see it.

 

" _Oh there you are. I'm sorry I left you alone, you ran away so quickly."_ Taekwoon approached him slowly and crouched down in front him. Taekwoon gave him a sympathetic look and you could see the hurt in his eyes. It was evident that seeing Hakyeon like this was hurting him. 

" _Do you want to join me in the shower? You look like you could need one._ " Taekwoon spoke softly as he ran his right hand through his lover's hair. Hakyeon leaned into the touch. Still crying, but softer. Hakyeon was craving his lover's touch. He felt so broken and used up that to see that Taekwoon loved him so much still, was better than any medicine. Hakyeon nodded as he heard the sound of the shower being turned off. 

 

" _I think Jaehwan is done now. The others have already showered or gone to bed. We have as much time as we want_." He said encouragingly as he stood up and helped Hakyeon's tired body up off the floor. Taekwoon reached over and wiped one of Hakyeon's tears away from his face. Taekwoon gave him a small smile. He was determined to do anything in his power to make Hakyeon happier. 

 

***

 

Hakyeon was standing in front of Taekwoon in the shower, the main spray hitting his back. He kissed his lover as the water softened his worn out muscles. He was hanging onto Taekwoon as a lifeline, supporting himself on the younger, because he was afraid that he would lose his balance if he tried to stand for himself. He was pressing his unclad figure to Taekwoon. They were so close that one could hardly feel where one of them began and the other ended. Taekwoon buried his head in the crook of Hakyeon's neck in between kisses, wanting to feel so close to him as possible. Hakyeon felt the same way, wanting to feel every part of the man he loved.

 

They stopped kissing for a moment, just so they could breathe. Hakyeon looked into Taekwoon's eyes and saw nothing but undying love. It almost frightened him because he was afraid of being inadequate, or simply not enough. The truth was that when Taekwoon looked into Hakyeon's eyes, he saw the emotion reciprocated. They were both baring their souls to one another, showing the deepest pain and the highest form of love, but at the same time making themselves vulnerable. This made this one moment feel like a little piece of eternity, as if it went on forever.

 

Hakyeon was so used to feeling broken and filled to the brim with sadness that it had become normal for him. Even hell can feel like home once you've settled in. Therefore this feeling of being whole, of feeling nothing but love, even just for a moment, was unknown and confusing for him. For a little while, he felt like everything was going to work out as long as he had Taekwoon, but reality soon hit him. Taekwoon just let him go for a bit to go get some body wash, and already that feeling of being complete was fading away.

 

Hakyeon must have appeared sad, because Taekwoon looked really concerned as soon as he turned back around. He kissed his forehead and started rubbing the body wash quickly over his own body, and then slowly over Hakyeon's. Taekwoon felt helpless. He just wanted to make everything better. He felt inadequate. He wish he could kiss it better and stop Hakyeon from suffering to this extent. Sadly it didn't work that way, he just had to accept that and do the best to help his beloved.

 

" _I love you and everything you do is perfection to me. Your dancing, your singing, your looks, all those little things that makes you insecure, they are all perfect to me. You deserve to be loved, you deserve to be happy, and I will do anything that can help you and make you happy. I've said it before and I'll say it as often as you need to hear it. I love you more than you can ever imagine."_ Taekwoon tried to reassure Hakyeon.

 

 _"I love you too. More than even I understand. I need you to go on, even if I wish I could function without you. I don't want to be this weak, and I don't want you to suffer because of me, but I can't give you up now. I love you."_ Hakyeon replied. It had been the first thing he had said since they came home, but it was all he needed to say.


	11. Dangerous craving

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Word count: 1231  
> Rating: R  
> Warnings: Self-destructive thoughts, mentions of suicide, self-harming

The weather was getting colder and the signs of winter were abundant. Hakyeon was getting worse by the day and people started to notice. His face was sunken from lack of sleep and he was eating less. He also appeared to be less concentrated and made more mistakes than before. He was often getting scolded at practices, and no one dared to stand up for Hakyeon. Taekwoon would often hold his hand when he was being yelled at, and always asked him if he was all right afterwards. 

 

When they arrived at their dorm that day, Hakyeon was the first to go inside. He said he was going to go shower as an excuse to lock himself in the bathroom. As soon as he walked into the bathroom, he broke down crying. He slid down towards the floor as thick tears flowed down his cheeks. His head was hurting and he hid his face in his knees. Everything was crashing down on him. He didn't know what to do. He always messed up, but he couldn't help it. 

He decided that he shouldn't hog the bathroom. Hakyeon stood up, undressed and got in the shower. At least he could say his cheeks were wet because of the shower. He stood there underneath the spray of water and thought about how tired he felt. He felt flawed. He wanted to achieve perfection so badly, but he continued to mess up. Why was he even trying? He felt ugly and useless. How on earth could Taekwoon love somebody like that? Taekwoon was probably better off without him. Everyone was. He should just give up and kill himself. 

 

***

 

He left the bathroom. His skin was damp and his hair was still dripping wet and kind of messy.  He walked into his and Taekwoon's room, where Taekwoon was reading a book on his bed. As soon as Hakyeon walked inside, Taekwoon stood up and went over to hug him.  

" _Hello handsome. You did well today. The coach had no reason to yell at you like that._ " Taekwoon spoke softly. Hakyeon smiled at the nickname and hugged his lover closer. It was clear that Taekwoon had not showered yet, as he still smelled like sweat and dance practice. The thing about Taekwoon though, was that he smelled really nice. Hakyeon loved his scent and took it all in until all his senses were filled with Taekwoon. He leaned back to look at the other properly.

" _Ugh, you still smell sweaty. Go shower._ " Hakyeon said with a smile and a quick kiss to Taekwoon's lips. Taekwoon chuckled and shook his head. He picked up a towel and walked towards the bathroom. 

 

***

 

Hakyeon was alone in his room. Taekwoon had gone to watch a movie with the others in their dorm living room.  He had claimed to be tired, and that he just wanted to be alone. Taekwoon had given him an odd look, but went along with it anyway. Hakyeon was sitting in his bed and thinking about when everything had gone so wrong. He couldn't seem to remember waking up one day feeling like this. It had to have been so gradually that he didn't notice before it was too late.  

 

He opened a drawer in his bedside table. He stared at the contents. He had started keeping tissues there, because it was useless to deny how much he was crying lately. What he also had, that was more worrisome, was a set of blades. He hadn't used them yet, in fear of getting caught. The weather was getting colder, meaning he could hide so much behind large sweaters. 

He went to the nearest bathroom, dampening his wrists. He was going to do it. The others were occupied with the movie and nobody would stop him. He went back into his bedroom and locked the door. He didn't want anyone walking in. 

 

He took a deep breath and slid one of the blades over his damp wrist. It didn't really hurt as he did it. There was a sting after he had made the cut. He felt more broken than ever before, but at the same time it felt like it was helping. He felt as if there was a rush to it, so he did it again. And a couple more times. Suddenly he had five lines down one of his arms and two down the other. He put the blade down with shaky hands. The cuts were small and were all decorated with drops of blood. He felt euphoric, in a way. He felt like he deserved it. 

In another way, he regretted rather instantly. He knew it would leave marks. Even if he could cover them up, they would still be there as a reminder. He felt awful at the thought of that. And what if Taekwoon saw? Of course he would see. Taekwoon was the one who saw the most of his body. He felt dirtied and filthy. He cleaned up the mess with the blades and dried up his blood with some tissues. 

 

Just as he had finished, Taekwoon knocked on the door. Hakyeon panicked and said he would open in a minute. He quickly put on a long-sleeved shirt and went to open the door. Taekwoon greeted him with a kiss and held him close.

" _Are you all right? You look kind of shaken. Why was the door locked anyway?_ " Taekwoon looked suspicious.

" _I'm fine. Just a bit tired, that's all. I was changing, that's why I locked the door._ " Hakyeon tried his best to explain without making Taekwoon doubt him.

" _It's nothing I haven't seen before, sweetie._ " Taekwoon murmured with a flirty smile. 

 

" _Anyone could have walked in. You wouldn't want anyone else to see me like that, would you?_ " Hakyeon replied. Two could play this game. Taekwoon's face was suddenly serious and his eyes darkened. 

" _Definitively not. You are mine, and mine only._ " He spoke with a possessive tone of voice as he pulled Hakyeon closer. Taekwoon had praised him so much, but he had never sounded so possessive before. Taekwoon began kissing at his neck. 

 

" _That reminds me, how about I show you how much I love you tonight?"_ His voice was instantly softer. Taekwoon was never one to be harsh in intimate moments, and Hakyeon appreciated that. He kissed his lover's neck softly and moved his hands underneath his shirt, his warm hands touching Hakyeon's stomach lightly. Hakyeon panicked, and he knew he had to stop this before his shirt came off. 

" _Not tonight. I don't really feel well."_  Hakyeon said, sending his lover an apologetic smile. Taekwoon looked kind of upset at that, but he instantly backed off. 

" _I wish you would talk to me more. If there is any way I can help, please tell me. I want to make you happy at any cost. Let me protect your smile."_ Taekwoon murmured as he took Hakyeon's hand in his. 

" _I'm all right for now. Let's just go to bed._ " Lying to Taekwoon made him feel so guilty, and the guilt was eating him up alive. This man loved him so much, but he could not tell him the whole truth. He took his lover's hand and brought him to the bed. Snuggling up to him and being so close to the one he loved, made him feel better than he had in ages. 


	12. Holding on

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Word count: 998  
> Rating: PG-13 (T)

Taekwoon was sitting alone in the living room, writing a song. He had been left alone all day, which had suited him completely fine. He had wanted to have some time for himself anyway. But where was Hakyeon? It was rare for him to go that long without seeing the older man. Just as the thought hit him Hakyeon waddled into the room. He was dressed in tight jeans, a sweater that was clearly too big for him, and fluffy socks. His hair was also kind of messy. He looked so cute. Taekwoon almost couldn't believe he was dating anyone this cute. Hakyeon stopped in front of him, seeming to find the floor very interesting. It reminded him of that day a couple of months ago, when Hakyeon asked Taekwoon to sleep with him.

 

" _Can I hug you?_ " Hakyeon asked, fiddling with his fingers, as he looked at the floor.

" _You never actually ask me to hug me._ " Taekwoon stated, more as a fact than a question, though he wondered where this came from. 

" _I know, but I have taken over your personal space too much the past months, and I know you don't like skinship that much. I just really need someone to hold me right now._ " Hakyeon mumbled, eyes still glued at the floor. He played with the long sleeves on his large sweater.

 

Taekwoon was surprised. The other man had changed so much over the past months. He had become quieter and more shy. Even though some part of Taekwoon preferred people to be more quiet and less touchy, he knew that this was not a good thing. Hakyeon was naturally an outgoing and touchy person, it was just who he was. For the older man to care this much about his personal space in general was worrisome. 

" _Yes, you can hug me. Come here_." Taekwoon said calmly. Hakyeon walked across the floor, his socks making soft shuffle noises. He sat next to Taekwoon and snuggled up next to him. " _Thank you for actually asking this time. I appreciate it._ " Taekwoon mumbled into Hakyeon's hair. He really did appreciate it. Today Hakyeon had backed off and let him have some space to recharge, and that had been well overdue.

 

" _I am just so tired, I don't know what's wrong with me."_ Hakyeon said quietly. Taekwoon turned a bit to look at his lover, and noticed that he was back to staring at the floor, a sad look in his eyes. Taekwoon's heart hurt. He hated seeing Hakyeon like this. So down, so sad all the time. He was tired all the time, and when they weren't at work he slept a lot of the time. Taekwoon stressed more because he was constantly worried. 

 

" _Hey, come here. I want to hold you properly._ " He knew Hakyeon had needed to be close to someone, but right now he had to hold Hakyeon. He wanted to protect him from everything bad in the world, even Hakyeon's own mind. Taekwoon lifted Hakyeon into his lap so they were facing each other, Hakyeon's legs bracketing Taekwoon's thighs. Taekwoon held his lover's waist and met his gaze. 

" _Please don't be so sad Hakyeon. You are so beautiful, talented and loved by so many. But no one more than me._ " Taekwoon said, looking into Hakyeon's eyes. He lifted his head a bit so he could kiss him. He just wanted Hakyeon to know how much he loved him and how much he mattered. He was so afraid what this sadness, this depression, was doing to the sunshine of his life. Hakyeon didn't really kiss back. He seemed like he tried to, but gave up. He didn't seem to have any energy, so Taekwoon did all the work. He kissed him with all his heart. Taekwoon had always believed that if you couldn't explain something to a person with words, you should try your best at showing it with actions. A lone tear trailed down Hakyeon's cheek. "Taekwoon kisses like a drowning man." Hakyeon thought. "At least right now." 

 

When the kiss broke, Hakyeon slumped down, hiding his face in the crook of Taekwoon's neck. Taekwoon placed a soft kiss on the bare skin of Hakyeon's neck and hugged him tight. As they sat like that for a while, Hakyeon felt some of his energy return to him. He still felt really tired, but he felt better. Taekwoon was energizing and brought him the will to live again, if only just for a moment.

Taekwoon however, did not feel better. He just wanted everything to be okay, he wanted Hakyeon to be happy again. He noticed that he was crying. A couple of tears slid down his cheeks, and he held onto his lover tighter. He released his grip a bit, he didn't want to cause any harm. He really hoped Hakyeon didn't notice him crying. Taekwoon wasn't one to show a lot of feelings, and he was especially not one to cry in front of others. 

 

But Hakyeon did notice. Taekwoon never cried in front of others. Not even him. His happiness drained out of him. He was causing Taekwoon so much pain. "It's your fault that he feels like this. Only yours. You have managed to make the one person you love the most cry. Your fault." His mind told him. His thoughts were attacking him.

He intertwined his fingers with Taekwoon's. He wanted to be as close to his lover as physically possible. He felt one of Taekwoon's hands play with his fingers. The hand traveled up to his wrist and lifted his sleeve a bit. Hakyeon panicked. Taekwoon couldn't see. He was sad enough. He pulled his arm back, and Taekwoon froze for a bit. He had to think of something to do. 

Hakyeon leaned back so he could see Taekwoon's face, his visage tainted with confusion. Hakyeon leaned forward and gave him a quick peck, and then he snuggled back into Taekwoon's neck. "Your fault." His mind told him, again.


	13. Uncovering his wounds

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Word count: 1051
> 
> Rating: PG-13 (T)
> 
> Note: The plot of this chapter begins where the last chapter left off, at least the same day. Hope that made sense.

For the remains of the day, Taekwoon and Hakyeon stuck really close together. Not that the others noticed any difference. Hakyeon was afraid that Taekwoon had noticed how much he covered up. Every time Taekwoon came close to his arms, Hakyeon flinched, and every time Taekwoon would send him a concerned look. Taekwoon was unsure of what to do. Hakyeon had been really close to him, yet so distant. He hid himself in long-sleeved sweaters, even when he was sleeping. 'What have I done wrong? I just don't understand.'  Taekwoon thought. Why would the his love hide himself like this? Hakyeon was so beautiful, so perfect. He couldn't understand why such a perfect person would hide themselves like this. 

 

" _Hakyeon? Are you okay? You seem... distant lately_." Taekwoon tried. He was really nervous. He didn't want to be perceived wrong, he just wanted to help. Hakyeon looked at him, suddenly scared. ' Has he noticed? No, no, no.'

" _What do you mean?_ " Hakyeon asked carefully, trying to seem calm, as if he wasn't hiding anything. Taekwoon didn't believe him.

" _I mean, you are with me all the time, but your head seems to be somewhere else. You tense up when I touch you. You hide your body in large sweaters. I just don't know what I'm doing wrong. I just want to be there for you, but I don't know how. You know I love you, right?_ " Taekwoon felt himself choke up. 'Oh. Taekwoon blames himself. He had noticed everything and he thought that it was his fault. I have to fix this.'  Hakyeon thought, completely stunned.

 

" _You are right about everything, but it's not your fault. I just feel so depressed, I can't help it. I'm sorry, for dragging you down with me, for making you sad. I am so useless, I can't do anything right, and now I make everyone around me upset too._ " Hakyeon said, his voice was monotone. Hakyeon looked at the floor and thought. 'I have to let Taekwoon go. I shouldn't use him for his affection. I can't be this selfish anymore.'

" _You are not useless. You are an amazing singer, dancer and actor. You are beautiful and worthy of all the praise I could possibly bestow upon you. I just wish you would let me help, talk to me. I love you so much._ " Taekwoon looked at him, so scared for his lover. He shouldn't say things like that about himself. And if these were the things he said about himself, what did he think? What didn't Hakyeon tell him?

 

" _Please, no. Please don't love me so much, Taekwoon. It will only bring you pain, and it is already bringing you pain._ " Tears welled up in Hakyeon's eyes as he spoke. 

" _What if I want everything that comes with loving you? Pain and everything else. I will go through anything if it means it can make you happy._ " Taekwoon meant every word. He would walk through hellfire if that would help his lover.

" _No. You don't get to say that. You shouldn't love me. I am not good for you. You deserve to be happy._ " Hakyeon met Taekwoon's gaze. Hakyeon's eyes were burning with unshed tears. He loved Taekwoon so much, but he was too good to him. Why? Hakyeon thought of himself as a lost cause. 

" _So do you"_ Taekwoon said. Hakyeon had nothing to say to that. Hakyeon was startled, so Taekwoon continued.  _"Will you allow me to show you how much I love you?_ " The question lingered in the air for a bit, before Hakyeon nodded.

 

Taekwoon kissed Hakyeon softly. Taekwoon placed small kisses over his cheek and down his neck. Hakyeon's shirt had been unbuttoned enough for his collar bones to show, so that was were Taekwoon continued. Taekwoon wanted to worship every part of Hakyeon's body, now that they finally both had the time and the privacy. His shirt had already been unbuttoned and Hakyeon slid it over his broad shoulders slowly. Hakyeon wanted to savor every moment of this, because he felt as if he was in heaven. Suddenly, Taekwoon stopped his kisses and his soft voice broke the silence.

 

" _Can I be allowed to see more of you?_ " Taekwoon asked, his voice comforting and sweet like honey. Taekwoon had seen his body before, but never stopped asking permission, especially not today, as he knew how fragile Hakyeon was. He wanted Hakyeon to be treated in the best way possible, and would never force him into anything. Hakyeon was worried. This moment felt amazing, and he did not want it to stop for any reason, but his scars had not fully healed yet. He did not want Taekwoon to see them, but like he said, he didn't want this moment to end. He felt amazing, and he let that feeling take over as he replied.

 

" _Yes, you may. But please, be gentle."_ Hakyeon replied hesitantly. He wanted to be beautiful for Taekwoon, but he didn't know if Taekwoon would think he was after he saw what he had done to himself.

" _Always, my darling._ " Taekwoon replied with his usual calm voice. He gave one last kiss to Hakyeon's collarbone before he unbuttoned each button slowly. Once he was finished he started sliding the shirt off Hakyeon's shoulders before he noticed that Hakyeon tensed up.

" _Please trust me. I won't harm you. Are you okay_? _"_ Taekwoon asked, concern evident in his voice.

" _I'm afraid I won't be beautiful enough for you._ " Hakyeon admitted, looking away shyly. He was also really afraid of what Taekwoon would see when his shirt came off properly. He suddenly heard a soft chuckle coming from Taekwoon. This made him look back and meet the younger's eyes.

" _You are always beautiful to me. There is no way you could be anything less than that._ " Taekwoon said. He looked for a sign to continue, and Hakyeon nodded, face flushed. His shirt was slid down his arms, and his upper body was revealed. 

 

There was a sad look in Taekwoon's eyes when he discovered the scars. Hakyeon looked away, ashamed of himself. Taekwoon lifted his chin, and made sure their eyes met. Hakyeon's eyes were filled with unshed tears. Taekwoon kissed his lips and spoke.

" _You are always beautiful to me._ " Taekwoon repeated, albeit more meaningful this time.

 


	14. The fading embers of a loved one

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Word count: 1565
> 
> Rating: R
> 
> Warnings: Self-destructive thoughts, self-harming, suicide

Hakyeon woke up to the sound of Taekwoon getting dressed quietly. He then remembered that Taekwoon had a schedule with just him and Hongbin. If he remembered correctly the rest of the band had schedules today, and had probably already left. He should probably know the band's schedule better as he was the leader. He thought about it again. Hakyeon was in fact the only one who didn't have a schedule today. Taekwoon's voice brought him out of his train of thought.

 

" _Oh, you're awake? I didn't mean to wake you up._ " Taekwoon spoke softly. " _You have a day off today, you should rest._ " Hakyeon blinked slowly, and sat up. He rubbed some of the sleep out of his eyes. 

" _No, it's fine. I am glad I got to see you before you left. I don't like waking up alone._ " Hakyeon replied sleepily. 'He looks so cute. I love him so much`.`' The other man thought. Taekwoon paused, walked over to him, and gave him a kiss. 

 

" _I wanted to see you before I left too, but I didn't have the heart to wake you up. You look so peaceful when you're asleep._ " Taekwoon smiled. Hakyeon smiled with him, although a little voice in the back of his head thought about how much pain he brought his lover. 'I look peaceful when I'm asleep because when I'm awake I am everything but peaceful. I am hurting him. He also doesn't have the heart to leave me, even though he clearly should. I am useless, why do I even try? He has to be so strong for me, and I can't reciprocate at all.' Hakyeon wanted his thoughts to stop. He wanted everything to stop. Taekwoon looked at him worriedly.

" _Are you alright? You seem a bit lost in your thoughts there._ " Taekwoon moved a lock of hair out of Hakyeon's face and hummed softly. Hakyeon shook his head.

" _Nothing, Woonie. I'm fine._ " he tried to reassure Taekwoon.

 

Taekwoon looked at the time, and said; " _Oh! I have to leave soon if I don't want to be late. I love you. Take care of yourself and get some rest, okay darling?_ " The worried look did not leave his eyes.

" _Goodbye then. I will. I love you too, dearest._ " Hakyeon replied with a yawn and a fake smile.  Taekwoon gave him a quick forehead kiss and left.

 

Hakyeon laid back down. He wanted to stop this. He felt like he was constantly lying to Taekwoon. Taekwoon deserved better. He deserved somebody that wouldn't lie to him and invade his personal space constantly. He didn't need somebody that constantly hurt him like Hakyeon did. A tear rolled down his cheek.

His heart wanted to burst at the thought of existing without Taekwoon, to exist while he lived happily with somebody else. No, he had to disappear. But where would he go? Wherever he went somebody would be able to find him. He couldn't just leave the company either. He was supposed to be the leader. He was supposed to be reliable.

There was no escape. Or, there was one. Would he have to die for Taekwoon to be happy? When he thought about it, it made sense to him. He would probably be better off as well. He could stop being such a burden for everyone around him. He had decided now. He was going to do it.

 

***

 

Hakyeon locked himself inside the bathroom. He felt as though someone was choking him. He wanted to disappear. He couldn't take it any more. He had wanted to live for those who loved him, but he weighed the costs. He never wanted to hurt anyone, but he couldn't go on like this. He was pacing inside the cramped bathroom. Nobody else was home, but if they suddenly were to arrive, they shouldn't see him like this. He had brought the box that he usually hid in his bedside table. Inside there was a couple of sharp, steel razor blades. 

He felt the tears staining his cheeks now. He had gotten these razors the day after he confessed to Taekwoon. He had gotten it because he felt extremely down, but never used them much. Inside the box there was also a couple of pieces of paper and a pen. Ok, maybe had possessed the intention of using the contents of this box. More than once.

He knew he had to leave something behind. He couldn't just leave without giving an explanation. He sat down on the bathroom floor and started writing. On the first piece of paper he wrote a simple: " _I'm sorry_ " and then he left the bathroom to hang it on the door. He walked back inside. Then he sat down on the floor to write on the next piece of paper. He wrote with tears running down his cheeks.

 

 

* * *

 

> Dear everyone I love,
> 
> To my members, know that this isn't your fault. If I felt like I could have stayed I would.  _I just weren't strong enough. Go ahead, and be your very best. You are all amazing, and I need you to know that._
> 
> _To my mum and dad, I love you and want to thank you for all you have done for me. I could not have asked for better parents and I want you to know that this is not your fault. I'm sorry for the trouble I caused you._
> 
> _To my hyung and noonas, I love you as well, and I hope you will have long, happy lives. Please live your lives to the very fullest. Have no regrets, and live better than I did._
> 
> To my members. Jaehwan, please don't stop smiling and joking around. You are a delightful person and I loved you a lot. Your singing could brighten anyone's day, no matter how bad. Wonshik, continue writing songs and music. You have a true talent and I don't want it to go to waste. You are a true friend and a great person. Hongbin, please continue taking those amazing pictures. You can brighten an entire room with your smile. Please do not loose it. Sanghyuk, you are amazingly talented and I want you to continue doing your best. To my members, I loved you all a lot, and I will continue to love you, even in death.
> 
> To Taekwoon, where do I even begin? I love you with all my heart and soul. Please don't cry, you know I hate it when you cry. You know that it's for the better. You don't have to take care of me anymore. I don't have to be such a burden to you. You are my sunlight and I have loved you since the day I met you. I am just sorry that I couldn't be as perfect for you as you were for me. You are free to go and be happier without me, so please do. I will never burn as brightly as you, and I am okay with that. Even now, as I am writing this, all I can think of is you. I am sorry, I really am. I love you. More than you can imagine.
> 
> To everyone I love, it all became too much. I hope you will understand. Please be happy after I'm gone. I'll be better off and so should you. 

 

* * *

 

 

After finishing the letter he stood up, legs wobbly. He definitely felt worse in this moment than he had ever felt before. `'I could still go back`.' he thought to himself, but the thought of trying to return to his normal life after something like this was almost unbearable. He thought about Taekwoon. He thought about the sweet things he said to him, his nice body and his face carved by angels. He wished for him to be okay, and not care about him, but that was obviously not going to happen.  He knew that their bond was strong, that Taekwoon loved him. He knew it as a fact, as if he read it in a textbook. He could almost believe it, but it didn't help. It hurt to live, and he wanted to stop.

He dampened his wrists, feeling his tears stop. He couldn't cry anymore. It would all be over soon. The tears that were drying on his cheeks were painful. Before he knew it he had already slashed his wrists, sealing his fate. He slid down onto the floor, the cuts on his wrists seeping with pain. He had expected his life to slash before his eyes, but all he saw was Taekwoon. His handsome features painting his mind. Taekwoon smiling, crying, singing passionately, sleeping, even his face as they made love.

He was crying again. He was really dying. It hurt more than ever. Was it supposed to be this scary? Fuck, he was actually dying. There is no way back now.  He would soon be at peace, but all he could think was 'What will happen to Taekwoon? How will he react?'.  Hakyeon begged for someone else, anyone else in fact, than Taekwoon to find him.

'Oh Taekwoon, how could I ever leave you behind?'. A last thought before his vision was blurring and he closed his eyes. Hakyeon lost consciousness. The life in him was fading quickly.

 

In the same moment, the front door opened.

" _Hello, is anyone home?_ " Taekwoon's cheery voice filled the now quiet dorm.  


	15. Afterglow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Word count: 1428  
> Rating: R  
> Warnings; Self-destructive thoughts, suicide, self-harm mention

Taekwoon walked around the silent dorm. He didn't expect the other members to be home yet, but Hakyeon should be here somewhere, shouldn't he? Did he go somewhere? Where would he go? He hardly left the house as of late. Where c-

A note on the bathroom door had paused his train of thought. On the note it said "I'm sorry" in Hakyeon's handwriting. What was he sorry for? Taekwoon was really getting worried. He started shouting Hakyeon's name. The bathroom door was locked. Taekwoon was officially starting to panic. He tried to break the door open. Taekwoon knew his lover had problems with self-harm, depression and all the like, but he couldn't have... He wouldn't. Would he?

 

Taekwoon was trying to break the door open, still shouting for Hakyeon. The door finally gave in. Taekwoon was so scared of what he was going to find. Before he looked into the bathroom he prayed that he had simply broken the bathroom door for no reason and that Hakyeon was playing with him. He opened his eyes, and the sight before him made him wish he was blind. He covered his mouth with his hands as he felt his heart beat faster.

His lover, Hakyeon, perched up against the wall next to the shower. His wrists were slit and bleeding heavily, his skin was pale and he was unconscious. He looked halfway to death already. Taekwoon had been frozen, taking all of this in, but now he sobered up. He ran to Hakyeon's side, using towels that were nearby to stop the bleeding. He saw a note, not that far from Hakyeon himself, but up on a shelf, so that it would not be blood-soaked when somebody found him. He would have to deal with this later. He picked up his phone, and with shaky hands, dialed the emergency number. He had to get an ambulance here as fast as possible. 

 

" _119, what's your emergency?_ " the lady on the other end of the line said. Taekwoon replied quickly, not wasting any time. 

" _My boyfriend tried to kill himself. He slit his wrists, and has probably lost a lot of blood already. I tried to stop the bleeding, but if I can't get an ambulance here soon, he will probably die. I don't know what to do._ " At the end, Taekwoon's voice became shaky. He was holding Hakyeon now, always looking down to check if he was bleeding more.

" _Okay, sir, where are you located?_ " The man known to many as Leo, replied with the address. He finished talking to the lady on the other end of the line.

 

***

 

Taekwoon was waiting for the ambulance, holding Hakyeon in his arms. He was crying heavily. It was the type of tears that hurt your eyes, and stained your cheeks painfully. He looked at Hakyeon. The leader's lips had started turning blue, and he was getting even paler. He was still unconscious. The blood had been paused by the towels that Taekwoon pressed into the wounds. The ridiculous thing about it all, is that even in this state, Hakyeon was hauntingly beautiful. He could not believe that Hakyeon wasn't able to see how perfect he was, how beautiful he was, how much Taekwoon loved him, how much everyone loved him. At some point, he had started talking to the unconscious Hakyeon.

 

" _Hey darling, the ambulance is coming soon. They will save you, so we can always be together, okay? I don't think I can do this without you. I always thought that I simply wanted to be a singer, but if you are not there, what's the point? What is the point of VIXX? We need you Hakyeon. You can't leave us like this. Hakyeon please? I don't know how to breathe, if you are not here to remind me._ " Taekwoon realized that he probably looked completely insane, clutching Hakyeon and talking to him while his clothes had been stained by Hakyeon's blood. He couldn't really bring himself to care though. 

He heard it then. The door was opened, and the ambulance workers ran in with a stretcher. They were here, there was still hope. They came in and took Hakyeon from him. He felt more empty than ever before. He grabbed the letter from the shelf and left with them. 'Hakyeon is getting help, there is still hope.' repeated itself like a mantra in Taekwoon's head.

 

***

 

They had arrived at the hospital a while ago. Hakyeon was still in a room filled with Doctors, and Taekwoon was not allowed to go inside. Taekwoon called the other members as soon as they arrived at the hospital and he was separated from Hakyeon. He was sitting on a sofa in the waiting room and he couldn't keep him thoughts from wandering. 'What if he doesn't wake up? What if it was too late? I should have been there. He needed me and I wasn't there.' His stream of self-destructive thought were interrupted by the other VIXX members rushing into the waiting room.

 

" _Taekwoon! Has there been any news? What happened? Is he okay?_ " the worried voice of Kim Wonshik broke the silence. They all sat down, either on the same sofa that Taekwoon was sitting in or the chairs nearby, as they waited for Taekwoon to answer. There was still blood on his shirt, his cheeks were tearstained and he was shaking a bit. 

" _I haven't heard anything. He is still in there. They have been working for a pretty long time. I'm not sure how long._ " Taekwoon paused, drawing his breath. " _He s-slit his wrists. I guess he wanted to kill himself. I don't think he's okay, or that he has been okay for a long time, but he might be in the future. H-he left us a note. I didn't dare to open it alone._ " Taekwoon took the letter from his coat pocket with shaky hands and gave it to Wonshik.

 

 Hongbin, who was sitting right next to Taekwoon, hugged him closely. Taekwoon accepted the affection, and was quickly hugged by the rest of the members. They were all crying at this point. Wonshik was sobbing loudly, and Jaehwan was surprisingly quiet. It was as if Jaehwan's bubbly personality had been stripped of all it's joy, and he looked simply empty. Once he had let Taekwoon go, Hongbin was clutching his chest as he cried heavily. Sanghyuk looked even younger than usual. He was sitting curled up in one of the chairs, hiding his face a bit as he wept. Within five minutes or so, they had calmed down a little, as only soft sobbing could be heard. 

" _Why didn't he say anything? We could have helped, couldn't we?_ " Sanghyuk said, voice sorrowful. " _We had seen that he had been a bit more down lately, but I never imagined it was this bad. I just wish I knew why."_

 

" _There isn't really much we could have done, Hyukie. Don't blame yourself._ " Jaehwan spoke dryly, like he had been screaming his lungs out and lost his voice. He showed no expression, and simply looked tired. The lack of emotion in Jaehwan's voice seemed to shock everyone. He was known as a mood-maker, and of being constantly full of energy. 

 

Wonshik was looking at the folded note that Taekwoon gave to him. He wanted to open it to find out what Hakyeon wanted to tell them, but at the same time he was afraid. What if the Hakyeon in the letter was perfectly okay with dying? How badly had he wanted to die on a daily basis? He couldn't help the thoughts flying around in his head. Just then, they were interrupted by a doctor entering the waiting room.

 

" _Are you the friends of Cha Hakyeon?_ " The young man said calmly. The entire band nodded. " _Well, I was sent to inform you that we have patched him up, and he is alive, for now at least. He is connected to a machine that breathes for him, and he is still unconscious. He lost a lot of blood, and if we had gotten to him just a little while after, he would have been at the point of no return. Luckily you found him in time. His family has been notified._ " They cheered. Hongbin broke into tears, once again, but he was smiling. Jaehwan seemed a bit brighter, but still didn't show that much emotion. Sanghyuk clung to Wonshik and both of them smiled. Taekwoon was hopeful, and laughed in disbelief. 

" _Can we see him yet?_ " Taekwoon asked, holding Hongbin's hand tightly. 


	16. Shine on me in the darkness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Word count: 1508  
> Rating: PG-13  
> Warnings: Mention of suicide

" _Can we see him yet?_ " Taekwoon asked, holding Hongbin's hand tightly. He gulped, trying to breathe properly. It had been hours in the waiting room. 

" _Yes, you can. I must remind you to not stop praying for him. He might be stable as of right now, but he is still in a pretty rough condition. You can sit with him, be with him. He might not be conscious, but you can still be there for him. Follow me, please._ " The young doctor replied, pity in his eyes. You could almost hear him say ' _Sit with him, because this might be the last time you get to do so_ '. It was pretty clear that the doctor didn't want to put it that way, because he didn't want to startle the members more, but Taekwoon noticed. It was practically written over his face.  

 

They followed the young man down the hallway, and entered a room. Everything within the room was white, which just made the situation more eerie. It was quiet, except from a faint beeping sound that was coming from the machine. The bad atmosphere was so thick that you could almost taste it. On the bed laid Hakyeon. It looked like one of the machines next to him were breathing for him. 

Hakyeon looked pale, about as pale as he had when Taekwoon had found him. His usual beautiful skin tone now appeared grayish, like he was truly fading out of existence. His arms were heavily bandaged, and he truly looked like he was dying.

 

" _We're lucky that you got to him in time. If you had waited just a couple more minutes to call the ambulance, he would have been at the point of no return._ " The doctor paused, a sympathetic smile decorating his face. " _I'll give you some time alone with him._ "

 

Taekwoon and the others slowly walked up to Hakyeon's sleeping form. Taekwoon felt a single tear roll down his cheek. He had seen Hakyeon when he was bleeding in the shower, he didn't have the emotional capability to start getting emotional again. He just felt tired and used. He just wanted Hakyeon to be alive and happy. If the universe could make that happen, he swore he would never wish for anything else ever again. Wonshik choked back a sob, and Jaehwan stared blankly. Hongbin was holding Sanghyuk who again had started sobbing. Hongbin stroked Sanghyuk's hair, and whispered words of comfort, but his eyes said that he needed comfort as well. 

Taekwoon sat down in one of the chairs surrounding Hakyeon's bed. The rest did the same. Hongbin continued to hold their youngest as they sobbed softly. He held Hakyeon's cold hand. Taekwoon choked back tears. 

 

" _I just don't understand how he could do this. How does a person become so broken that this is even an option?_ " Wonshik commented. He didn't have the usual confidence in his voice that he usually had. All of that rapper charm was gone, and left was a broken man who were in danger of losing one of his best friends.

" _He must have carried death in his heart for a long time, I don't believe that this would be something Hakyeon would do on a whim. He was depressed, but I would never imagine-_ " Taekwoon gasped, voice thick. " _I could never imagine that he would try to commit suicide._ "

" _None of us could have imagined it Taekwoon, it wasn't your fault._ " Hongbin said, wiping a tear away with his sleeve.

 

" _I just don't understand why. Why do great people become suicidal? He always burned so much more brilliantly than I did, I always thought that. I don't want to wake up in the morning, or any of those to come to find out that he is dead._ " Taekwoon confessed. Nobody had an answer for him. The world had served them a great injustice, and they didn't know what to do.

Hakyeon was breathing through a machine. He couldn't even breathe for himself. This thought made Taekwoon burst in to tears once again. " _Please don't leave me, Hakyeon. Please, please, please. I don't want to live another moment if you do not exist. Please come back._ " He whispered, tears running down his cheeks, voice hoarse.

 

***

 

Some time had passed, and by now they were just sitting with Hakyeon, making sure that the machine breathing for him was still helping him. Wonshik looked at the letter Taekwoon had given him earlier. He was pretty sure that he had cried himself empty. He needed to know what Hakyeon desperately wanted to tell them.

 

" _Maybe we should read this_." He said. The others nodded,  probably curious themselves. They were all so quiet, and for a group who were used to a certain amount of noise, the silence was deafening. 

 

" _Do you want to read it? I don't think I can handle it_." Taekwoon asked Wonshik. The younger suddenly wasn't sure if he could handle it either. 

" _I can read it._ " Jaewhan volunteered. He had been surprisingly quiet all evening. Maybe he would be able to read it without bursting into tears midway through.

 

***

 

" _Dear everyone I love,_ " Jaehwan started, voice monotone. " _To my members, know that this isn't your fault. If I felt like I could have stayed I would. I just weren't strong enough. Go ahead, and be your very best. You are all amazing, and I need you to know that_." Jaehwan choked a little. 

" _To my mum and dad, I love you and want to thank you for all you have done for me. I could not have asked for better parents and I want you to know that this is not your fault. I'm sorry for the trouble I caused you._ _To my hyung and noonas, I love you as well, and I hope you will have long, happy lives. Please live your lives to the very fullest. Have no regrets, and live better than I did_ _ _._ "_ He read Hakyeon's goodbyes to his family without stuttering.

 

It was saddening to see that Hakyeon believed he had been a disappointment towards everyone he knew. He clearly didn't want anyone to blame themselves, but it just made them wonder why, why he would do such a thing. Everyone who knew Hakyeon personally would say he was an amazing person. It was just unfortunate that Hakyeon didn't see himself that way. As Jaehwan was supposed to read the next part, his voice turned shakier.

 

" _To my members. Jaehwan, please don't stop smiling and joking around. You are a delightful person and I loved you a lot. Your singing could brighten anyone's day, no matter how bad._ " At this point Jaehwan had to take a break, and he wasn't even halfway through. It took him a couple of minutes, but he managed to calm himself down.

" _Wonshik, continue writing songs and music. You have a true talent and I don't want it to go to waste. You are a true friend and a great person._ " Jaehwan spoke dryly. Wonshik started sobbing again. " _Hongbin, please continue taking those amazing pictures. You can brighten an entire room with your smile. Please do not loose it."_ Hongbin was now the one to be comforted by Sanghyuk, who hugged him tightly. Jaehwan took a deep breath before continuing.

" _Sanghyuk, you are amazingly talented and I want you to continue doing your best. To my members, I loved you all a lot, and I will continue to love you, even in death._ " Sanghyuk left Hongbin's arms to go sit next to Jaehwan. He hugged him and kissed him on the top of the head for comfort.

 

 _"To Taekwoon, where do I even begin? I love you with all my heart and soul. Please don't cry, you know I hate it when you cry. You know that it's for the better. You don't have to take care of me anymore. I don't have to be such a burden to you. You are my sunlight and I have loved you since the day I met you._ "  Jaehwan paused, looking over at Taekwoon. Taekwoon wasn't even looking at him, he was just looking down at Hakyeon, holding his hand tightly.

 _"I am just sorry that I couldn't be as perfect for you as you were for me. You are free to go and be happier without me, so please do. I will never burn as brightly as you, and I am okay with that. Even now, as I am writing this, all I can think of is you. I am sorry, I really am. I love you. More than you can imagine."_ Taekwoon proceeded to kiss Hakyeon's forehead. It was clear he really didn't want to say anything. He wouldn't cry any more, since Hakyeon had asked me not too. Taekwoon hated that Hakyeon saw himself as a burden, when in reality, he was a blessing.

 

" _To everyone I love, it all became too much. I hope you will understand. Please be happy after I'm gone. I'll be better off and so should you._ " Jaehwan finished.


	17. A lifetime where you do not exist

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Word count: 1703  
> Rating: PG-13  
> Warnings: One swear word, mentions of suicide like usual, I guess?

Taekwoon looked around. Where was he? He was outside a house. The house was of a rather modern design, the outside walls were wooden. It wasn't exceptionally large, but it wasn't small either. There was a garden surrounding the house. There was lots of flowers in the garden. The weather was nice, a fresh breeze blowing. Everything looked really idyllic and pretty. That's when it hit him.

Once, Hakyeon and him had been up all night talking. Hakyeon had described his dream house. He had wanted a modern house in dark wood, but at the same time he wanted a big garden. Taekwoon had approved of the idea, but wondered where they would find such a house. Surely, not in the middle of Seoul. 

 

He left his train of thought and walked towards the house. As he was approaching the door, it opened. A little girl was standing in the door opening, probably about six years old. She had long dark hair that was braided expertly, and pretty eyes. She was dressed in a white dress with blue flowers on it. She looked at him with curious eyes for a second, before she smiled widely, ran towards him and jumped in his arms. The little girl hugged him tight.

" _Appa, you're home!_ " she exclaimed loudly. Taekwoon froze for a second, looking down at the little girl in his arms. He smiled widely. This angel was his daughter? He was in awe, and when he didn't say anything, the girl continued talking. " _Where did you go, Appa? I missed you._ "

 

" _It doesn't matter, I'm here now._ " Taekwoon replied with a smile. what else could he reply with? Before his apparent daughter could ask any more questions, another angel appeared in the doorway. This time the person was taller, and didn't run to him right away. Instead, the angel smiled down at the scene before him.

" _Jung Jinri! Let your father come in before you jump him._ " Hakyeon spoke with a chuckle. 'So her name is Jinri?' Taekwoon thought briefly before he realized who was standing just a few meters in front of him.

 

Taekwoon walked as fast as he possibly could, with a six year old in his arms that is, towards Hakyeon. His lover was practically radiating. He looked well rested and healthy, his skin was glowing in the sunlight, and his smile was so beautiful. Taekwoon put Jinri down and hugged his lover tight. Hakyeon made a soft exclamation. Taekwoon kissed Hakyeon until he was out of breath. 

" _Did you miss me that much?_ " Hakyeon said, smiling brightly. They heard Jinri giggle next to them. 

" _Always._ " Taekwoon replied. He couldn't believe that Hakyeon was standing in front of him. He felt so happy in that moment, but when Hakyeon continued speaking he froze. 

 

" _Don't worry. It will all be alright. Everything will be over soon._ " Hakyeon smiled sadly. Taekwoon noticed that Jinri's giggling had faded away. He looked around, but she was nowhere to be seen. He looked back at Hakyeon. There was a sad look in his eyes.

" _W-what?_ " Taekwoon stuttered. The sun had disappeared. They weren't in front of the house anymore. They were in the bathroom Taekwoon had found Hakyeon in. 

" _I love you. More than you can imagine._ " Hakyeon said. By now, Taekwoon had read Hakyeon's farewell letter several times. He recognized the line easily. He swallowed deeply.

 

" _I'm sorry I can't give you what you desire, at least not yet. Right now I am just giving you misery._ " Hakyeon spoke. His voice turned into a faint whisper as he said: " _Maybe one day._ "

Suddenly everything went dark, and with that, Taekwoon woke up.

 

***

 

Taekwoon shook his head. He had grown accustomed to nightmares, but this one had been particularly haunting. He had fallen asleep in a chair next to Hakyeon's bed. He looked over at Hakyeon, his face were sunken and his hair was matted. Taekwoon didn't cry by just looking at him anymore. He had almost grown used to it by now, and that scared him more than anything. A week had passed without Hakyeon waking up.

Taekwoon had not left his side except for when someone forced him to eat. " _You can't be here to see Hakyeon wake up if you don't eat. You'll end up starving yourself to death._ " They would say. That would usually make Taekwoon eat. Whenever Taekwoon was somewhere else, one of the other band members would sit with Hakyeon. 

 

Honestly, Taekwoon had considered starving himself. Only in those moments where everything seemed the most hopeless, and he wasn't sure if he believed that Hakyeon was ever going to wake up. But he knew, he couldn't do that. He couldn't give up like that. He had to be strong for his lover. Sometimes Hakyeon's mother would come by, but she could hardly ever stay for long. His family had visited a couple of times. They had chosen to not torture themselves by sitting there all the time.

 

***

  
Another week passed. Taekwoon had been back at the dorm around five times at this point, but mostly he slept in the hospital. He wondered if he was losing his mind. He had started writing songs to keep his hands busy. He was now writing a song named "A Ode To My Love". He was aware of how cheesy it sounded. He had considered changing the title, but writing block had been the bane of his existence lately. 

 

" I stay up all night to an echo that won't return. "

" Spread your invisible wings and fly away "

" Leave the mad reality that has imprisoned you "

Taekwoon continued to write, even though he was constantly interrupted by his thoughts. It distracted him, if nothing else.

 

The doctors had asked him very carefully if he wanted to pull the plug on Hakyeon twice. Or rather, they had asked if they wanted to stop the life-prolonging treatment. They would always feed him polite and encouraging words when they were talking of ending the life of the man he loved. Taekwoon had refused. He couldn't give up, and he couldn't let the doctors give up on him either.

 

***

  
After exactly two and a half weeks Hakyeon woke up. Taekwoon had been sitting by his side patiently as always, when suddenly one of the machines next to Hakyeon had started beeping profusely. Taekwoon had freaked out, calling for the doctors with tears in his eyes. He thought that Hakyeon had been dying, that this was his body giving up. He had been taken out of the room, and a nurse lead him back to the waiting room. He had called the other members, and Hakyeon's family as well.

 

The scenario gave him far too much of a déjà  vu. It reminded him so much of the night he had brought Hakyeon in, two and a half weeks ago. A nurse arrived to tell him that he had been waking up, not dying, like Taekwoon had initially thought. In the course of about 20 minutes or so, everyone was walking in. Taekwoon explained that Hakyeon had been waking up, and that they were not allowed to enter yet. 

Hakyeon's mother cried and thanked the stars and every god and goddess in the sky for bringing her son back. His siblings were cheerful as well, as was the rest of the group. Hakyeon's father couldn't make it, but had apparently promised to come as soon as he could. Wonshik was crying happy tears, and so was Sanghyuk. Hongbin had a huge smile on his face, and he was being hugged by a very energetic and happy Jaehwan. Jaehwan had been quiet and seemed almost depressed for weeks. He had finally returned back to his usual self. It had been scary seeing Jaehwan that silent.

 

Hakyeon's mother approached Taekwoon as he was standing by himself. She was an elderly woman, yet he didn't know how old. She looked kind. She held herself very well, and every time he had seen her, she had been dressed very nice. She had smile wrinkles around her eyes. Suddenly she spoke up.

 

" _You and Hakyeonie have something special, right? You wouldn't have stuck by him that closely the entire time if you didn't love him greatly._ " Hakyeon's mother said with a smile decorating her face. Taekwoon was shocked. He didn't know what to say. He had not focused on how he appeared to others lately. Hakyeon's mother looked nice, but he was still scared.

" _Don't worry, Taekwoon. I support you both fully and wholly. I discussed it with Hakyeon's father also, and he approves as well. How could I be angry with someone who clearly loves my son enough to stay in the hospital with him the entire time. Thank you._ " As she finished the sentence, she hugged Taekwoon. He didn't know what to say. 

 

Luckily for Taekwoon, he didn't have to. In that moment, a nurse entered the waiting room. 

" _Mr. Cha Hakyeon is stable. He needs to be kept in the hospital for a couple more days so we can run some tests on him. Right now at least, he is awake, and you can see him. Please follow me._ "

 

***

 

They walked into Hakyeon's room, and Taekwoon ran to him. He stood by Hakyeon's bed, and took Hakyeon's hand in his. He kissed the back of Hakyeon's hand. He stuck with that for now, seeing as Hakyeon's family was in the room.

" _Woonie? I'm alive?_ " Hakyeon asked. His voice was raspy and he looked around the white hospital room.  He had dark circles underneath his eyes, and looked worn out, but he was alive, and that was the only thing that counted.

" _Yes, you are. You are, and you are going to be fine._ " Taekwoon replied, tears in his eyes. He couldn't believe it. He had almost given up. " _Fuck, Hakyeon. Never do something like that to me again._ " He said, breathily. Taekwoon was so tired, and so happy. The love of his life had not died after all.

 

With the way that Taekwoon looked at him, Hakyeon knew that everything was going to be alright. Everything was going to get better, as long as he had Taekwoon by his side. 


	18. I leave the darkness that finds my heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Word count:1775  
> Rating: PG-13  
> Warnings: Mentions of suicide as per usual

Hakyeon started the day being surrounded by his friends. VIXX, Minhyuk and Sungjae, Jackson, a couple of EXO members, Ryeowook, and a few others. Most could not stay long, but wanted to see that their friend was alive and well. Hakyeon was somewhat glad they were there, because it gave him something to occupy himself with, so that his thoughts did not wander too much.

 

The day before he had been left to his own devices. This was due to strict orders from the nurses, saying that he needed to sleep, so that he would heal faster. He understood why he had to be left alone, but he ended up spending a bit too much time laying alone and thinking, which he really should not, because his mind always travelled to darker places. Taekwoon kept texting him throughout the day. Hakyeon replied when he could, to calm the younger’s nerves a bit. He had tried his best to sleep as much as he could. He was already getting extremely tired of the cold, white hospital walls.

 

The group were actually chased out rather quickly after their first visit at Hakyeon’s after he had awoken, much to Taekwoon’s dismay. He understood that because they were not family they could not stay, but just because he understood, did not mean that he liked it. Taekwoon had tried to persuade the nurses, but rules were rules.

 

***

 

Two days after waking up, Hakyeon was still weak, but they could hardly keep VIXX and any other friends of Hakyeon that had come along from seeing Hakyeon for any longer.

 

Taekwoon had cried so much the past weeks that he could hardly bring himself to feel anything else than pure joy for the time being. He was smiling brightly whenever he was with Hakyeon. He was looking a lot better as well. In the weeks spent in the hospital with Hakyeon (at least as much as he was allowed) he looked pretty rough. His cheeks had been a bit sunken, his skin looked more worn, he had dark circles underneath his eyes due to lack of sleep and his hair had been more matte. He had almost looked as if this incident had aged him 5-10 years. He was looking more alive now, and more like himself.

 

Out of all of them, Wonshik undoubtedly cried the most. He almost looked like a really exaggerated cartoon character, so it was kind of difficult to be sad about it. It did make Hakyeon laugh, so eventually everyone, included Wonshik himself started laughing too.

Hongbin had spilled a tear or two, but most of the time he just smiled. He didn’t really say much, as if he didn’t trust his voice. He had held around Wonshik to calm him down a bit. His facial expression had been unreadable to a fault. He mostly looked tired, but he was happy still, and was glad to be able to sit with Hakyeon and talk normally, even if they were in a rather depressing hospital.

 

Jaehwan had been his animated, happy self, and had hugged Hakyeon more times than Hakyeon could count on all of his fingers. Hongbin had mentioned how depressed and quiet Jaehwan had been in the weeks Hakyeon spent unconscious in the hospital. Honestly, the thought of seeing Jaehwan as something other than energetic, playful and happy seemed completely otherworldly to Hakyeon.

 

When it came to Sanghyuk, he had never seemed more like a maknae. He was affectionate and clingy, and ended up cleaning up random stuff he could find in Hakyeon’s hospital room, probably out of nervous habit. After a little while, Jaehwan stood up. He took Sanghyuk’s hand, led him to one of the chairs surrounding Hakyeon’s bed, and sat down next to him.

As they spoke with Hakyeon as a group, Hakyeon noticed them linking hands and sharing glances more often than normal. His leader instinct made him wonder if anything had happened while he was gone.

 

He decided not to dwell too much on it, as he assumed that if there were anything serious going on between them, they would tell him when they felt like it. He also knew that Wonshik found Hongbin to be mind-blowingly attractive and that he believed that he might like him. He had no idea if Hongbin liked him back, but he did not think Wonshik would act on it at all. He was probably happy just being around Hongbin comfortably, and admiring him from afar. Whatever were to happen, it was not his place to meddle anyway, and this was okay, because he definitely had enough to deal with already.  

 

While talking with them, he put on a brave face and tried his best to answer the best he could. He really wanted to isolate himself and not talk to anyone, but that would be bad for him, and it would not be fair to them either. Everyone else had suffered so much because of him, he could not do that to them. They deserved so much better.

 

***

 

Hakyeon’s visitation hours were soon coming to an end. Jaehwan, Wonshik, Hongbin and Sanghyuk had just left because of a schedule on a radio show. Taekwoon had been supposed to go as well, but he refused to leave Hakyeon’s side. They were going on Sukira, so they would probably not have to explain why Taekwoon would not be joining them, seeing as Ryeowook had been here earlier.

 

Taekwoon had wanted some alone time with Hakyeon anyway. Currently, neither of them were speaking. They were just enjoying the comfortable silence amongst themselves. Taekwoon was holding Hakyeon’s hand as he was sitting next to him. He was caressing the back of Hakyeon’s hand with his thumb. Taekwoon raised his other hand so he could play with Hakyeon’s hair.

Taekwoon just wanted to breathe in everything about Hakyeon. He was so happy because his love was so warm, and so soft and so alive. The possibility of Hakyeon dying seemed too real now that he had looked the scenario straight in the eye. He just wished his worries would die down a little.

 

Hakyeon had a question, but the setting was so nice right now, and he did not want to ruin the moment. He just decided that he could not wait much longer.

“ _I have to ask, seeing as no one told me._ _Ehm-_ ” Hakyeon paused. Did he really want to know? ‘Stop that, yes you want to know. Continue talking you dummy.’ His mind told him. He took a deep breath. “ _Who found me? Was it Wonshik? He looked particularly shook up._ ” Hakyeon asked quietly. Taekwoon tightened his grip on Hakyeon’s hand and swallowed.

 

“ _Wonshik_ _didn’t find you. He was just particularly shook up because he is sensitive, and because one of his best friends tried to kill himself._ ” Taekwoon paused. He really did not want to tell Hakyeon this. His lover would end up feeling even more guilty, and Taekwoon would feel awful for making him feel like that. Still, he couldn't lie to him either. So regretfully, he had to tell him.

“ _It was me, dearest. I found you._ ” Hakyeon gasped. His expression was horrified, and he looked down at the white sheets of his bed. Taekwoon himself almost choked up and wanted to cry at the memory of the incident alone.

 

“ _I am so sorry Woonie. I n-never wished for you to find me._ ” Hakyeon stuttered. This had been what he had feared the most. How Taekwoon must have suffered. Now he really felt like he didn't deserve to live. He definitely did not deserve Taekwoon. For someone to endure that much pain, to see their worst nightmare come true before their eyes, remain afterwards, and give so much love was more than anyone deserved. When he looked at Taekwoon there was so much anguish in his beautifully dark eyes. Taekwoon was hurt, but he was also angry, even though he did not want to be angry with Hakyeon.

 

“ _Who then, would you have wished to find you, Hakyeon? Would you have wished for our manager? Wonshik? Jaehwan? Hongbin? Sanghyuk? Would you put them through the pain of seeing you halfway to death, bleeding out in the shower? Because I can honestly say that it was the most hellish experience I have ever endured. They all love you Hakyeon. Maybe not the way I love you, but it still matters. You are so loved, darling. If I had lost you, I don’t know if I could have continued alone. I probably would have quit VIXX, if not the entire music industry._ ” Taekwoon stopped and took a deep breath.

Hakyeon was looking down, his shoulders shaking slightly. Taekwoon had not even noticed that he had risen from his seat during his rant. He quickly sat down again.

 

“ _Hey. I'm sorry for yelling at you. It has just been so awful lately. From finding you dying, to not knowing whether you were ever going to wake up. I just do not understand how you could even consider suicide. You are so lovely, and so loved by everyone around you. The world would be so dull if you were not in it. I was so scared_.” Taekwoon looked down. He felt ashamed. Not only had he yelled at the one that he loved, but he was embarrassed to reveal so much to Hakyeon. He had not wanted to admit to being so afraid, but that was the truth. Hakyeon took his hand and touched his lover’s cheek, making him look up. Taekwoon leaned into the touch of Hakyeon’s soft hand.

 

“ _Don’t apologize for being scared. I was in a worse place than ever before, that day. I think it was that, and the fact that there was nobody home to stop me. I did not actually want to die. I had been feeling so bad for so long, and I just wanted the pain to stop. Instead, I just caused so much more pain. I promise you, Woonie, I will try to get help. This cannot go on. I have hurt you so much, and everyone else as well. This was never my intention, I promise. I thought you would just grieve a bit, and then move on, rather quickly. I didn’t realize how much everyone cared. I guess I was wrong_.” Hakyeon confessed.

Taekwoon did not want to say anything. He had said so much already. All he wanted was his Hakyeon back. He looked at Hakyeon with adoration in his eyes. Hakyeon noticed the look in his eyes.

 

“ _Oh Woonie, my dearest Woonie. How could I ever try to leave you behind?_ ”

 


	19. Epilogue; Forever With You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Word count: 1781  
> Rating: G/PG at most  
> A/N: This is the final chapter of the story, set a couple of years in the future.

Rays of sunshine floated in through the white, sheer curtains decorating the windows. The light danced around the room, and eventually hit the face of a certain Cha Hakyeon. He stirred, letting out a content sigh.

He stretched his arms out, searching for a second body in the king sized bed. When he found nobody, he opened his eyes slowly. The man blinked a couple of times, clearing his vision. He sat up, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. His gaze shifted to the clock on his bedside table. It flashed 09:32 AM.

                     

‘Time to get up’ Hakyeon thought to himself. There were birds singing happily outside his windows. ‘Now where has Taekwoon gone so early on a Saturday morning?’Hakyeon pondered. Almost as soon as he asked himself that question, he could smell the faint scent of something. ‘Is that… waffles?’ Hakyeon thought. Now he felt thoroughly confused. Part of that was just that it was still early, of course. Nevertheless, his curiosity had piqued. He rose from the bed and put on his bathrobe. He yawned, but left the room to find the source of the scent.

 

The scent got stronger as he neared the kitchen. He could now sense the smell of coffee as well as waffles. When he opened the door to the kitchen, he walked in on the most adorable scene. There he found his husband and their four year old daughter making waffles for breakfast.

 

Taekwoon looked up and smiled when he saw Hakyeon. His eyes were just filled with so much love, and Hakyeon felt his cheeks heat up a bit. Taekwoon could still make him as flustered as he did when they first met.

“ _Look who’s finally awake, Jinri. It’s Papa!_ ” Taekwoon said, mirth filling his voice. He walked closer to his husband and kissed him.

“ _Good morning handsome._ ” Hakyeon mumbled against Taekwoon’s lips. They moved away from each other when they heard Jinri giggle. Hakyeon smiled widely.

“ _And good morning to you too, my little angel._ ” Hakyeon said as he bent down to pick his daughter up. He kissed the top of her head, and she giggled more, hugging her father tight.

                                        

“ _Look Papa! Daddy and I have been making breakfast!_ ” The four-year-old said excitedly, smiling brightly. Her black hair was braided into two French braids; Taekwoon had gotten very good at braiding hair. She was dressed in a pastel blue t-shirt, a denim jumper dress and matching pastel blue leggings with white dots. ‘She is too endearing.’ Hakyeon thought to himself and smiled wider.

“ _I can see that, honey. You both did very well._ ” Hakyeon replied. While they were chatting happily, Taekwoon finished making the waffles.

 

“ _Come sit down you two, breakfast is ready._ ” Taekwoon smiled. As they sat down. As they sat down, Taekwoon glanced over at the empty high chair placed by their dining table. He sighed contentedly.

“ _Are we going to pick up Areum today?_ ” Jinri asked, right before stuffing her mouth with waffles. Today was the day they were going to get their second daughter from the orphanage. It was the same orphanage they had gotten Jinri from. The owners liked both Hakyeon and Taekwoon a lot, as they donated money regularly and had helped out at said orphanage a lot, before being allowed to adopt Jinri. They were all eager to bring the new baby home.

 

“ _Yes, darling. From today on you are going to be a big sister. Are you excited?_ ” Hakyeon replied happily. Jinri smiled so brightly that her dimples showed, and her eyes turned into small creases.

“ _YES! I am going to be the best big sister there ever was!_ ” Jinri exclaimed loudly. The married couple laughed at their daughter’s cute outburst. It was going to be good for Jinri to get a sibling. This way, she would have someone to be with at home as well. Jinri had somehow seemed to inherit a bit of her father’s shyness, and had a hard time making friends at times.

 

Hakyeon sipped his coffee and thought about the rocky road he and Taekwoon had travelled on during their relationship. To think that they ended up so perfectly. Married and with a child, and another one on the way, so to speak. How absolutely wonderful life could be sometimes.

“ _Hey, what are you thinking about?_ ” Taekwoon asked, the tone of his voice was playful and happy, but he could not hide the concern in his eyes.

“ _Nothing, dearest. I was just thinking about what a great day this will be._ ” As he spoke, he sent Taekwoon a reassuring look.

 

***

 

It hadn't taken as long as the couple had expected, and suddenly they were strapping their one-year-old in her infant car seat to take her home. Her very proud big sister were sitting next to her in her combination car seat. Areum was looking around curiously. Her eyes were big and wondering. Taekwoon was cooing at her as he checked that the straps were secure. At the same time Hakyeon was on the other side of the car, making sure that Jinri’s car seat was secure.

“ _She is so cute!_ ” Jinri exclaimed cutely. Hakyeon chuckled and replied.

 

“ _She sure is. You both are._ ” He kissed both of his daughters on their foreheads, which made both girls smile. “ _Okay, Woonie, are we good to go? We have to get going soon, remember Jaehwan and Sanghyuk is coming over later today?_ ” Taekwoon made an affirmative sound and got out of the back seat of the car, closing the car door. Taekwoon and Hakyeon sat down in the two front seats when Jinri spoke.

“ _Uncle Jaehwan and uncle Sanghyuk is coming over? Is uncle Wonshik and uncle Hongbin coming too?_ ” She asked curiously.

“ _No, sweetie, Uncle Wonshik and Uncle Hongbin is on holiday, so they sadly can’t come today, but the other two will be there_.” Hakyeon replied.

 

In reality, Wonshik and Honbin were on their honeymoon, but Jinri did not need to know that, nor what they were doing. They had gotten married about a month ago, but didn’t leave on their honeymoon until now. Probably because they could not get off work for long enough earlier. On the other hand, Jaehwan and Sanghyuk had started dating a couple of years back. However, they had a much more casual relationship. No marriage, no kids. It seemed to suit them better anyway.

 

***

 

It was later in the day, and Jaehwan and Sanghyuk had arrived a little while ago. Jinri was very excited.

“ _Uncle Sanghyuk, Uncle Sanghyuk! Lift me up, lift me up!!_ ” She said loudly. Sanghyuk laughed.

“ _Jinri_ _, we are inside, use your inside voice._ ” Hakyeon scolded her. Jinri nodded, pouting.

“ _Cut her some slack, leader, you nag too much._ ” Sanghyuk said, clearly humoured by the entire situation. “ _Come here, Jinri._ ” Sanghyuk said, and lifted her up as high as he could. Because Sanghyuk was taller than both her fathers he could always lift her up very high.

 

Hakyeon made a disgruntled sound. His face was scrunched up in annoyance. He looked over to find both Jaehwan and Taekwoon with their hands covering their mouths, trying not to laugh out loud. Clearly Sanghyuk wasn't the only one who found it funny to annoy Hakyeon.

“ _What are you two laughing at?_ ” Hakyeon said, clearly annoyed. Jaehwan laughed loudly.

“ _Sorry, darling._ ” Taekwoon said, trying, and failing, not to laugh. He left the room to check on Areum, still laughing.

 

Behind them Sanghyuk was lifting Jinri up and down, the little girl giggling loudly.

“ _When did you become so annoyingly tall anyway, Sanghyuk?_ ” Hakyeon said to his previous bandmate, visibly miffed. Sanghyuk snickered.

“ _You haven’t been taller than me for many years now, Hakyeon._ ” Sanghyuk stated the obvious, knowing it would only irritate his friend further.

“ _It’s not my fault you turned out to be a giant._ ” Hakyeon muttered angrily. He shook his head. 

 

“ _Hey everyone, look who’s awake._ ” Taekwoon said, returning from the children’s room with a somewhat sleepy Areum in his arms. It was almost funny to see all the annoyance disappear from Hakyeon’s face in a second. Now his facial expression signalled nothing but adoration. They all gathered around the baby, who looked around at them curiously. Sanghyuk was still holding Jinri. Areum made a gurgling noise when she saw Hakyeon and Jinri, whose faces she could remember clearly.

Out of the blue a phone started ringing. The phone played an old Park Hyo Shin song. “ _Oh, it’s Hongbin!_ ” Jaehwan said, picking up the phone, and putting it on speaker.

 

“ _Hi! Jaehwan, are you with Hakyeon and Taekwoon?_ ” The tired voice of Hongbin said through the speaker.

“ _Yeah, you are on speaker right now._ ” Jaehwan replied. 

“ _Oh, okay. Congratulations on the new baby!_ ” Wonshik’s voice chimed in on the last part. They both sounded tired, they probably had not gotten much sleep. 

 

“ _Aw, thank you. We weren't sure if you would be too busy to call. How is Jeju?_ ” Hakyeon smirked. Hongbin laughed at that. Whenever Jinri was around they just used "busy" as a codeword.

“ _Jeju_ _is great, Hakyeon. So many pretty things to take pictures of!_ ” Hongbin replied happily. Well, he had always loved photographing, so it was no surprise that he spent at least a portion of his time taking pictures.

“ _Yeah, I'm sure that’s what you have been doing. Photographing._ ” Taekwoon muttered.

 

“ _Hey, I heard that._ ” Wonshik laughed. “ _What was your new baby’s name again? Areum? How is she?_ ”

“ _Yeah. She is great, she has been very calm up until now, and she is very cute._ ” Hakyeon replied, and sighed happily.

“ _You sound really content at least. Now, where is your other ray of sunshine?_ ” Wonshik asked.

“ _Hi, Uncle Wonshik!! Hi Uncle Hongbin!_ ” Jinri said. Out of all their friends, she liked Wonshik the best, Sanghyuk coming at a close second.

“ _Hey there kiddo! How is it being a big sister?_ ” He chuckled, his voice was energetic.

“ _Fun, fun, fun! You need to come meet Areum soon. You haven’t been over in a while._ ” She replied, the pout was audible in her voice. 

 

“ _Hongbin_ _and I will come visit soon. We are coming home in just a week and a half._ ” Wonshik answered. In the background you could hear Hongbin mumbling something along the lines of “Sounds like you are more excited to go home than to be with me.” To this you heard Wonshik reply "Are you seriously jealous of a 4-year-old?"

“ _Listen, we have to go, lots of things to do. We’ll see you soon, alright?_ ” Wonshik said.

“ _Yes, let’s meet up soon_.” Hakyeon replied.

 

 

It was almost surreal to Hakyeon how good everything ended up. Who would have thought?

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I have been posting this story in brackets, and that it might have been a bit annoying. I decided to get my shit together and actually post the finished story now.  
> I ended up having to make the weirdest google searches to be able to write this properly. Like, a good portion of the writing process was spent researching Korean girl names and different types of car seats for children (there are so many!).

**Author's Note:**

> This story was originally posted on my AFF account btw (http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/838796/silenced-voices-angst-leo-vixx-hakyeon-hurtandcomfort-neo).


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